let it shine...

I find it rather sad, but most of all insulting, that after history was made exactly 2 days ago, we as a people are still shitting on each other (to be blunt about it).

Barack Obama is an inspiration to not only me, but countless others who consider themselves to be 'average' Americans hustling to make their dreams a reality. He makes me believe that I can be anything I want to be (and I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true) regardless of what social or economic categories I may fall into. To make things a little bit clearer...he makes me what to get of my lazy ass and achieve my mutherfuggin dreams. I'm not sure anyone or anything has been able to sustain my attention span this long, but every time I think of that man, I think about finding my mountain top and living there.

Not to mention the admiration I have for his beautiful wife. She's smart, talented, and well capable of taking care of herself and her family, but she's not into being in the spotlight. Their love gives me hope, that someday in some sort of way I'll be able to find a love that can sustain any obstacle, especially one as big as running for the President of the United States. Michelle Obama is a role model to me because she isn't a finger snappin, head turnin, abrasive black female like we're forced to watch every single day via tv and internet. She's shown America that there are black women out there that have college degrees, jobs, AND a family and can balance all of that but still remain on top.

Now to the point. America has a way of taking one step forward and then leaping 3 steps back. Why are we questioning the blessing that God has given us? Why are we still upset and not ready to rally behind this man and help instead of hurt him? Why is it STILL so hard for people to understand that America made a change and elected a BLACK MAN to be our commander & chief.

Why are people trying to take this victory out of the hands that built this country 'brick by brick'?

The African American race has done so much for this country, but has gotten very little in return. This country was built on the backs of African men, women, and children who were STOLEN from their native land and brought to this place to work for nothing. Families were separated and never put back together. Spirits were broken and never mended. Our race was made to turn against each other and we haven't been properly made whole to this very day. We have suffered countless years at the hands of people who have told us from day numero uno we would never be good enough. People have died fighting for Tuesday to become a reality in the country, and for reporters, blogs, magazines, television, and radio personalities all over the world to dismiss this victory as a fluke or to even try and take the victory away from the people who rightfully deserve it, is in a word...BULLSHIT.

And now for my rant...

Let me make this as clear as day. Barack Obama is BLACK. I don't care how you try to spin it (Lord knows I'm trying hard not to swear), the fact of the matter remains that Obama is BLACK. Yes he is of mixed heritage, I get it. But let it be known that one tiny drop of African blood makes you a BLACK man. I bet all his life he's been treated like a BLACK man. I bet if he marched on Washington with Dr. King or sat beside Rosa Parks on the bus, or even tried to run for President in the '60's' he'd be treated like a BLACK man. Why? BECAUSE HIS ASS IS BLACK.

I'm done, I'm pissed, I hate this fucking country and all it's little idiocies.

Sorry I had to get all Malcolm X on dat ass...

history was made tonight.

tonight i shed some tears.
i shed tears for several reasons. reason's i'll explain below...

to start, i've watched my father for years break his back to make things happen for his family. i've watched him cry in the dark and hold his head down in shame because of the things others have said about him. tonight i saw my father cry in the open, but these were not tears of agony, but tears of joy. because tonight ladies and gentlemen history was made, the impossible was made possible, and something truly wonderful and amazing happened.

barack obama makes me feel like i can do anything. much like my father makes me feel actually. when i hear him speak, it makes me want to get off my ass and reach my dreams and do all the things that i thought were impossible for me to do.

nyc was fun. for the most part.

so i got to new york last friday hoping for some clarity and a good time.
did i ever mention that i hope for things a little too much?

anyway.

for the most part new york was everything i expected it to be and a little more. it was a big dumb ass city with lights, and it's true what they say...it never fucking sleeps. when i first got there i immediately knew that taming this city was out of the question. i knew i'd get lost more than a million times, but i had high hopes that i'd enjoy every single moment (see? i told u i hope too much).

below is a montage of all the insanity i could capture with my little digital camera. enjoy!

i'm ready for my life to begin.
i'm tired of feeling inadequate on so many levels.
i want to be happy.

when the fuck is all this shit going to finally happen.

when am i FINALLY going to be happy and know the path i want to be on. when am i going to stop being so scattered and torn about who i am and what i want. when the hell will i be content?

this is some bullshit on so many levels...

what the hell am i doing?!

i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing anymore.

no seriously. i'm completely lost!

shoot me.

it's really awkward for me to be in this place. i've never been here before, and to be perfectly honest, i wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemy. it sucks. it really really REALLY sucks

idiot.

'chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but i won't regret cuz u can grow flowers from where dirt use to be...' - kate nash (merry happy)

i'm a certified idiot.
idiot.
idiot.
idiot!

i called (i'm a idiot...did i mention that yet?).
i called and i don't know what the hell i was hoping for, but i didn't get much out of it but a shit load of regret. will i ever learn?

why must i keep doing this to myself? it's like i wanna feel bad or something...
alas...i do NOT want to feel bad, therefore i will stop the madness & get it all the way together. before i do permanent damage to my already slightly broken (but on the mend) heart...

idiot.

could it be? does he actually miss me?

Today has been an interesting on thus far.

I didn't have to work today (thank God), and the time off gave way to the idling thoughts my mind creates when I have a vast amount of time on my hands. I've been battling for awhile now about my decision to not head back to Kent. Everything about this decision hasn't quite hit me, until today. Thats because while everyone is on their way back to school, I won't be there waiting for them, I won't be participating in the traditional school things...I'll be @ home grinding my ass off harder than ever before. It just makes me kinda miss what I thought I didn't want.

Speaking of what I didn't want...Is it possible for someone to love the YOU, you love? Is it at all possible for someone to love the person you are, without reservation or hesitation? Is it possible for us as people to love another wholeheartedly, and not make that love conditional?

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” - Sex & the City

I wonder if he misses me as much as I do him...

::edit:: I'm so amazingly proud of myself it isn't even funny! Usually after successfully making contact with my Mr. Big, I'd spend hours after obsessing and breaking down every little detail to either uplift & give myself a false sense of hope, or use the opportunity to hate him, and hate myself for loving him. Today, none of these things occurred and I couldn't be happier with myself! Go me! Woo!

Maybe Brandon's right. Maybe I'm jaded & cynical. Maybe I expect the worse. But I don't give a flying fuck right now! Jaded or not, I'm happy...YES!

Maybe this means we could be, like friends or something?

love is stronger than pride.

Today I got to thinking about friendship & family.
What happens to the friends that turn into family and the people in our family who become more like our friends...
And what happens to the wayward friendships & family members we lose along the way...

If there is nothing else I love more in my life, it's my family and friends. They make me who I am now and shape who I'll become in the future. They are my essence, my soul, my heart, and I cherish them more than anything in this world. I have friends who are my family and I have family who are my friends. But what happens to the ones that I've lost along my journey?

I'm listening to Sade's song 'Love is Stronger than Pride' and as I'm listening to it, these lyrics have popped out and bitch slapped me in the face...

"I won't pretend that I'll stop loving you. I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving. But I can't hate you. Though I've tried..."

I've tried to hate those wayward friends and family for a long time. I've tried to hate all the people I thought had done me wrong in the past, present, or those who I think will do me wrong in the future. I've spent so much time placing blame and finding fault that I've lost what it means to look into yourself and reflect.

I know that I am a flawed individual. I know I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but I can't and will not be walked on for any reason what so ever. I can't control what others think of me, but I can control what I think of myself. I'm a pretty decent person with big dreams. I love those who love me. And I forgive those who forgive me. Sometimes I get sad thinking of all the people who aren't in my life and what happened to result in them not being around. There's a ton of things that I could have done differently in the past, but being that those events are behind me, they can't be changed. All I can do is pray for forgiveness, forgive, and then forget it.

Big meeting tomorrow about my future. I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me.
Adios.

toby keith is an idiot.

douches come in all colors, shapes & sizes i guess...

i usually don't express my opinions about pop culture or any culture for that matter, on this blog because well...i just don't feel like it...but this...this i had to vent about.

toby keith has made many offenses towards mankind with his lack of thinking before speaking. for some reason the african american race & our poster child barack obama have taken a couple hits from the idiot country singer as of late. first it was that dumb ass song about his racist grandpappy hanging muthasuckas on a tree for their indiscretions, and now he's making stupid ass comments about black people not believing barack obama is BLACK because he acts like he's WHITE.

ok...the race issue is a sensitive one. i get it...but goddamit, sometimes you just gotta say what the fuck you feel & right now I'm feeling some type of way about this idiot WHITE MAN explaining how BLACK PEOPLE supposedly feel about another BLACK PERSON...

First of all...WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN TO ACT BLACK? I've had to battle with this during the duration of my life. I've been told that because I don't look a certain way, act a certain way, wear my hair a certain way, and because I don't have negative mannerisms...that I'm not black. Hmmm...last time I looked into a mirror and saw my reflection I WAS BLACK...so please don't make yourself look like an idiot and tell me i'm not...

I'm tired

I just wish that people would think about the things they want to say before they say it. What the fuck are people thinking nowadays when they can write songs about their grandparents yolking niggas up on trees & and about a black man not being a black man because he doesn't personify the negative stereotypes that others have placed upon us. When are we as a culture going to put our foot down and tell these dumb ass people who say dumb ass things to SHUT THE FUCK UP once and for all....

through thick & thin.

my best friend is leaving me.

he's heading to miami in the morning to do the 'grown up' thing, and start his life by working with the miami heat. i'm happy for him, i am, but a part of me feels left behind and a little more than sad.

he's been apart of my life since high school, and i have no idea what i'm gonna do without him being around, or at least in constant reach. i can honestly say that he's one person i love with ALL my heart. he has never once judged me for my shortcomings, and has stuck with me through some difficult times in my life. he's the closest thing to a rock that i've ever had in a friend, and has always been my shoulder to cry on. we've had some good times, and some rough patches...but throughout my life he's always been there.

i guess this is just a sign that times are changing and we're actually doing the unthinkable...growing up. i can't wait to see what God has in store for his future and mine...

"you just call out my name, and you know where ever i am, i'll come running to see you again. winter spring summer or fall, all you gotta do is call, and i will be there. you've got a friend..."

i love you brandon with all my heart.

sidekick syndrome...

Ok, so I happen to have very attractive friends.

This fact about my life has never bothered me. That is until I step out of my house and into this man infested pit of a world.

For example; last weekend I went out with a bunch of guy friends, their guy friends, and my one girl friend Taneeka who happens to be extremely gorgeous. Throughout the course of the night I got propositioned zero times, but Taneeka got TONS of props. Did this bother me? Not one bit, I'm not a jealous, psycho, nut job...what bothered me was that I was being used as a stepping stone to get to my attractive friend!

This is not the first time I've felt like a sidekick. No, on the contrary, I feel like this ALL THE TIME. Does it get old? YES. Am I tired of it? O YES. Will it ever end? WHO KNOWS. But one thing I do know, is that being the sidekick has made me a lot bolder and a lot blunter. I no longer play along with the game of: "O introduce me to your hot friend"...I now laugh and inform him that he can introduce himself. I no longer get down on myself because someone used me to get to a friend. When they approach me, I promptly tell them where the can go...to hell.

Yea yea yea, I get it...I'm not the object of desire for these douche bags, I know. But last time I checked I was 22 NOT 12 and playing the game of telephone went out of style just like Giga Pets and JNCO Jeans...

Yet I still find myself being used as a bridge between these men and my overly attractive friends.

Some advice for the fella's out there. DO NOT approach the friend of a really hot girl with the intentions of just tossing her aside when you get close to the really hot girl. It makes you look sneaky and really insecure. I do not want to be your stepping stone assbag. Don't treat me like one...

on the count of 3. please grow up.

things happen to me for a reason
things happen to other people for a reason

now if i could just figure out what the fuck the reason behind these 'things' are, i'll be fine.

but thats not the way life works. you see stuff happens to us, good & bad, and we're told that it's 'working towards our good'. hmmm, intriguing. isn't it annoying when these events occur and we have no idea why it happened or where it came from. especially when the event is less than exciting, like a bill out of no where or in extreme cases, a death in our family. why do things like the events i briefly described before appear out of thin air. is there a way to prevent them, or are unfortunate occurrences just something that happen in this maze called life?

i'd really like the opportunity to understand and analyze why some things just happen for a reason. and I'd really like it if the person who came up with that idiotic quote, jump in the muthafuggin hudson. jerk.

this may not make sense to some. but it makes complete sense to me. and that my friends, is all that matters...

g'day mate!

what do i have to do?

So I've figured out what my problem may be...
I think I have an addici

all falls down.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together..."

I have never been lucky with love. Period.
I've been lucky with catching the eye of men, but never quite that lucky with keeping that eye on me...and I have no idea why.

Right now I'm going through a huge transition. I'm relocating, starting/finishing school, checking my emotions (finally); I'm finally making moves towards achieving my wildest dreams...so why do I need a man involved in all of this? The truth is men distract me somewhat. Maybe not from my big picture, but they sure have a way of distracting me from the little goals needed to get to the big picture. And those baby steps are what I need to make it too the top...I just keep letting assholes get in my way.

For example: I met this swagtastic man this past weekend. His style and sex appeal was setting my swag-o-licious meter off the fuggin charts. Thats how great his presence was. And he was quiet & chill (my polar opposite) which is exactly the type of man I like. Anyhoo, he had swag & the looks & charisma, and I we exchange numbers...then the shit hit the damn fan. Y must I get my mind wrapped up in something that so obviously won't amount to anything? The same thing happened with T, Football Player & Baby Daddy (code names). I have guy friends who I can say ANYTHING too and do ANYTHING with (except sex) and I have not a care in the world about how they view me. I'd just like to have someone who I love like a friend but want to rip off their clothes also. It's like those 2 emotional parts of us won't merge...In the world of Usher and Lil Jon...I want a lover and a friend damnit!

So I had made the decision when this summer began to take the steps towards my dreams ALONE, without a companion. It seems like the right thing to do. Spending this next few years single will give me the focus I need to make my little dreams come true while at the same time setting the stage for my big ones...

Some male attention would be nice tho...
Ok, I'm trippin. See what I mean by distracted? Oye vay!

love it or hate it the underdog's on top.

I haven't been around for awhile...
& trust me when I tell you, nothing life altering has changed.

Which is something I'm not quite use too. Ever since I made the decision to transfer back home and finish school, my life has been drama free. It's so funny how once we become use to all the bullshit going on in our lives, when it ceases to exist, things become weird for us and sometimes we go out and seek that chaos. Well I think I'm just about finish seeking the chaos because it has no place in my world anymore. And that feels so good...

Went to Columbus this weekend to visit KP & Dani with mis chica Booty Meat (bait!). I had a good time seeing them, I'm certainly going to miss that portion of Kent next year. Anyhoo, I achieved my goal and had one more big 'pissy drunk' night before it was time to grow up. Met some nice people & some cool swagtastic Iota's who I was a little sketchy about at first, but turned out to be pretty cool men. All in all it was a terrific weekend. Check the pics...













peace & love.

dad.

One thing I've never been able to wrap my mind around is the way my father leads his life, and the lack of appreciation he receives for being the wonderful person he is. Can someone say overworked & under-appreciated?

My father is my hero. Yes, we have a terrific relationship. No, we do not get along all the time (we get on each others nerves a lot), but there is no one on this earth I would rather have as a father and a best friend. He's truly one of a kind, and everyday I pray that I'm just like him...under-appreciated and all.

I've watched my Dad get the short end of so many sticks on my lifetime (yea, all 22 years). He's been mistreated by loved ones, put out of his way, pitied, and beat down so many times, but stuff like this never phases him. Yes, he gets discouraged sometimes (everyone does), but every moment of discouragement drives him the pick himself up, and keep going.

I admire my dad because he's never given up on me or my siblings. Even when we fuck up, he's always there to reprimand, pick us up off the ground, and encourage us to keep it moving towards our goal. I work for my father. I go to school for my father. I'm getting my degree(s) for my father. Why? Because I want him never to have to worry about anything ever again...

do the right thing dee...

For once I think I did the right thing.

For the most part, I'm the type of person that needs to announce if something or someone is out of order. Especially when it has something to do with me. I'm not the girl who's quiet & complacent. Sometimes I can seem that way, but most of the time I'm usually the one who needs to be vindicated.

Boy, have times changed.

Where once I was high strung, drama filled, loud & obnoxious, now I'm slowly allowing things to roll of my back. I'm not really concerned with the opinions others have about me. Once upon a time I cared...now...not so much. What people think or say about me is a matter of opinion, good or bad. I could care less about either one...

Today was the perfect example. I had a friend (HAD...ahem) who did something that really irritated me. I take that back. She's flat out untrustworthy. I can never be too sure that the things coming out of her mouth are really true. Anyway, she flat out played me, which is something that I have NEVER been able to suck up and move on from. When I'm played, you are gonna know that I know what it is, and how that shit will never happen again. So I got played & didn't respond to it like I'm sure a lot of people were expecting me too...with someone getting cussed the hell out. I instead did the complete opposite. I let it roll off my back.

There are some people we just don't need in our lives. I've learned that the people that keep shit going, are a prime example of the people I don't need in mine. As much as we may love or like them, a headache is not worth someone who keeps popping up stirring up trouble. I've got better shit to worry about, ya dig?

You know there's this quote that says something about a million people would love to see you fall & right now I don't think there is any other words that can describe the way I'm feeling. I think everyone has people that hate them, why should I be any different. I guess what I've gotta do now is not let the shit effect me so much, ya know? Try not to let it ruin my day or feel bad about someone disliking me. At the end of the day all I've got is myself anyway, right?

gratefulness

Everywhere I look people my age or younger have children.

I can't imagine my life right now with children. What would I be able to offer them? I'm not knocking anyone or trying to be insensitive or judgmental towards young women with children, these are just my opinions on what my life would be like had I gone down that road and decided (or not) to have sex & make a baby with someone.

In a way I'm incredibly grateful to God that He's been good enough to me for that not to be an issue.

mentally misconfigured...

I've always felt like a creative person.

I think in a way we all have creative tendencies, yes, some more than others, but we all have creative juices flowing through us none the less. I also think that people use the creativity given to them in different ways. Some of us use them for political purposes to run campaigns (ahem...Obama for instance), while others use them for stage, film, & fashion. I like the think of myself as a well rounded bullshitter, meaning I can talk about pretty much anything by just knowing the bare necessities of the conversation. Good for networking, but bad for putting my thumb on something I can do for the rest of my life.

My numero uno (Dad) gave me this book to read when I came back here. It's entitled 'the 5 secrets you must discover before you die'. Pretty intense huh? Actually being the nerd I am, I actually find the book quite useful. At this critical point in my life (can someone say 'fork in the road') I'm often finding myself second guessing the path that I've chosen to take. Granted helping people realize their own dreams is something that I've wanted to do practically my whole life, AND the human mind does excite and get my blood flowing, but at the same time, how am I suppose to help others achieve and realize their own dreams, when I'm not even sure what mine are anymore?

I have to admit my first love is the arts. But my biggest hang up in life is being stable. A degree in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling, and hopefully a PsyD in Clinical Psychology are the steps that are obvious to take in my life in order to achieve that financial stability. Writing & other forms of expressing myself have always been things that have been done in my down time. The stuff that makes me the happiest, the most at ease. Nothing makes me happier than reading a book, or listening to music, or writing, or taking pictures. Nothing in this world can compare to the feeling these things bring me. But I want to feel like that all the time. I want to be able to wake up & actually enjoy the things I do all day, not just be interested in them.

So I'm stuck. Should I follow my heart? Or my bank account?

Practicality sucks by the way...

until i get over you...(all of you)

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain every time I hear your name...

Umm I tried to not let it get this far, but since I can never seem to help myself, I end up not being able to sleep from obsessing over something & someone I have no control over and cannot fix. Instead of doing the logical think (stop thinking about the shit) I overanalyze. Trust me when I tell ya that NOT overanalyzing is a lot easier said than done. I've spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS telling myself & anyone who would listen to me that 1) I'm so over him/them 2) I just don't care anymore, and 3) (this one's my favorite) I don't have time to love/think/feel 4 someone who doesn't love/think about/feel for me.

So not only am I a crazy obsessed overanalyzer, I'm also a liar.

The more & more I talk about stuff, the more & more I happen to think about it. My inactivity for the last couple of weeks has added onto the mountain of thoughts/daydreams/weirdness that began developing in my mind a long friggin time ago. You'd think I'd be done burning bridges and want to start fresh, with zero memories; part of me wants this more than anything, but the other part isn't playing fair at all.

I'd like to be able to NOT think about 'him' and how I may have contributed to our disastrous beginning/middle/DEMISE. I'd like to wake up without thinking/counting the days since he's called & then sit and count the days since he's called and actually had a conversation about anything but golf (ugh). I want to be able to go one day without thinking about who he's moved on with, and why it was so easy to move on in the first place, like I wasn't shit. It'd be nice to not have to think of the people I left back in Kent who probably won't miss me because of the shit I always got myself into. It'd be nice to not once regret the things that I've done in the past, people I've hurt, or things I should have never said or done. It would be really nice to be Ok for once.

There's a Kirk Franklin song that says: "when I die, what will they say about me? Will the work that I've done, be enough to help someone, when I die..." That got me thinkin. What will people say about me now that I'm not going back to Kent. Will they be relieved/happy/excited? Or will I have meant something to someone, somewhere. Will I have touched someone even a little, to the point that they miss me? I think it's human nature to have the desire to be loved. We all want to feel relevant and wanted in someone's eyes. We all want to feel desired...

I've got nothing more to say. I just needed to get that off my chest & outta my head. Some people probably think I'm crazy for some of the things I say and do. I grew up being the 'weird' one. Surprisingly I don't feel much shame for being different or as some would call it 'crazy'. It's apart of who I am, and its damn time I start embracing the REAL D'Onna...

All these people can blow me...

why i'm still single...

To anyone who knows me personally, it's pretty evident that I'm a blog-whore. Meaning that the majority of my breaks from life are taken by reading into the lives of other people through their personal blogs. I read just about any blog about any particular subject; nothing is safe from my eyes. One day during one of my many random adventures through cyberland, I found this sweet ass site/blog called 'The Fly Guy Chronicles' . In a nutshell its a love advice blog and since I've got 'sucker 4 love' practically tattooed on my forehead, it seemed like something I'd naturally gravitate towards. Boo.

On the blog, he's got this feature entitled 'Why I'm Single'. This lady wrote this long ass explanation about why she was single. It inspired me, so I'm gonna take a chance and create my own. Here goes nothin...

Why I'm Single. By D'Onna 'Sucka 4 Love' LeSean

I'm single, because I expect NOTHING but the best.
I'm single because sometimes my standards are a little to high.
I'm single because I'm also a huge cynic
I'm single because my heart and my head don't often communicate with each other, therefore sometimes my head gets in the way of something that could be wonderful for my heart.

I'm single because my father is my hero, and any man that comes anywhere near me has to measure up to him.
I'm single because I haven't found that 'head over heals/dreamy/seeing stars' type love that I read about in novels all the time. Don't gimme that shit like it doesn't exist because I know it does.

I'm single because I haven't found someone I can be myself with (my whole self)
I'm single because every time I think I've found love, something stupid happens.
I'm single because I'm still hung up on someone who doesn't love me the way I love them and I haven't yet been able to break away from this tragedy.

I'm single because everyone keeps telling me to lower my sky high standards.
I'm single because every time I meet someone I tear them apart to find a reason not to love them.
I'm single because I expect everyone else to except my flaws for what they are, but I'm not able to do that for others.

I'm single because thats the way that God would have me be at this present moment. And for some silly reason, thats quite alright with me...

Just a little something to watch. I'm also a poetry-whore...God I'm such a hoe ahahahahaha!



D'Onna

isn't it ironic...

irony has been the one constant in my seemingly exciting life.
but it hasn't been until today, that i'm able to look back and really appreciate the irony that has shown itself this summer. let me explain...

before i left for school in god awful ohio, i use to DREAM of leaving pittsburgh. i think it's rather ironic the amount of time i spent obsessing about leaving a place & its people for somewhere different, ONLY to happily come back and want to stay. there once was a time where you couldn't PAY me to even apply to Pitt. i'd laugh in your face if you even mentioned it. but as i sit here, and contemplate what i'll say in my admissions essay, it finally has dawned on me that all those years i spent running away from pittsburgh, its people & the problems i've had here, i could have spent all that time making a name for myself instead of being back at square numero uno.

that makes me think of kent, and all the wasted time i spent there also. instead of worrying about everyone, their problems & voluntarily involving myself in their drama, i could have been focusing on myself and learning who i really was instead of working so hard to hide behind this perfect facade of a person.

::sigh:: what to do now?

bad habit...

"your my bad habit. trying not to love you like i do. your my bad habit, but somehow i don't wanna get rid of you..."

i'm a bit stuck right now. somewhere deep in my heart, i'd like to be rid of him. somewhere deep deep down, i wouldn't mind never seeing or speaking to him again because it causes me so much confusion, but then on the surface of my heart and soul, i know all of that is a lie.

there are parts of me that would love nothing more than to hold onto something i've never had, and probably won't ever receive, but then there are those practical non romantic parts of my psyche that won't allow my heart to do the talking anymore. i'm just not sure who to listen to...

i'd like it if everything could work itself out without my incessant involvement. i'd much rather make decisions about what i do and say to him without consciously being aware of those decisions and then dwelling or thinking about them over and over again. i'd like it if i could treat him like i treat every other guy i know. like a friend and not like someone i really like...

so i'm in maryland right now...

and for some reason, i feel like i've reverted back to being in high school. granted, i did just turn 22 years of age, and WAS feeling a tad bit on the old side; coming to maryland has really made me feel like a teen again...or maybe thats just because i'm being treated like one...

i have never been a problem child. i've never been a wild child. i have always been a good girl. i have never been questioned about my actions in college. i've never been one of those kids you needed to worry about going crazy with a little freedom. i have been and always will act a little older than my age. until now...

being here makes me feel like i'm a 16 year old sex obsessed horny ass girl, who needs extra supervision and a pad lock placed on her bedroom door. why you ask? because for some reason every time i turn around someone is making some smart ass remark about what i look like, sound like, what i've 'done' supposedly in college, how i'm acting '16ish', how i throw temper tantrums, how i 'probably' act at school, or (this is my favorite) how i 'always have an answer for something'...

now that i have a moment to sit and reflect on this (because this ain't the first time i've thought about it), i've come to the conclusion that this is all garbage and i cannot WAIT to get my first paycheck so i can get the fuck out of dodge on the weekends. i'd like to take a small moment and use this blog for it's intended use...venting. excuse me while i cuss someone out...

Look Asshole.

I am 22 goddamn years old. I have been taking care of myself for more than 4 years now. I pay MY OWN tuition, rent, car note, cable bill, phone bill, electric, and whatever else comes out of no where. I'm not spoiled hunny, I make my own money, pay my own bills and take care of my damn self. Please do not get it twisted, just because I LOOK young sure don't make me young.

I am NOT a party girl. Please don't get that fucked up either. I work damn hard for everything I have, so if I want to go out and have a good time, and spend some money on a drink then I'll do that. Why? Because I'm GROWN. And there ain't a thing in HELL that can take that fact away from me. I don't want to hear a smart ass comment every time I have a picture with a drink in my hand, or a boy in my picture. I AM NOT A SEX CRAZED FEMALE! I'm not even sexually active at this point in time! WTF?!?!

You need to realize that I'm not 16. In a mental sense I was never even given the opportunity to be 16, so back the fuck off! I'm not some irresponsible college student that has been taken care of by mommy and daddy her whole life. I've had to take care of my damn self. So please please PLEASE for your sake, keep the smart ass comments to yourself. Don't let the exterior fool you...I'm not all that I may seem...

This shit is gonna make me blow up before the summer ends. I can already feel it...

happy birthday to me...

it's only about an hour till my 22nd birthday, so I thought I'd use this time to look back...

I'm getting old. And as much as people say that age should make us happy, it only makes me a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for my day as much as the next person would be if it was their birthday, but I can't help but think about all the things I should have completed by now. What can I say, I'm anal like that...

With age brings a boat load of wisdom, and if there is anything that I can say about turning a year older, it's that I'm much wiser than I was a year ago. There have been a lot of downs this year, but certianly a lot of undeserved blessings that have come my way. For every day I'm grateful. I'm excited to see what this year has in store for me...

Birthday Resolutions
1) Graduate
2) Get into Grad School
3) Get over that one guy...
4) Cast my cares on God
5) Love my family a little harder
6) Keep my word.
7) Stop sweating the small stuff
8) Start playing golf a little more...
9) Write more
10) Smile and stay positive

Things could be a lot worse than they are...

serious case of deja vu...

Here we go again.

The never ending circle of shit that is me and football player's 'relationship' never ceases to amaze, confuse, and hurt me. Over and over and OVER again. You'd think I'd be sick of this shit by now, and trust me I'm getting there, but I guess God knows exactly when we need that last kick in the ass to get us out of our haze. Well my kick in the ass came today. So thanks God...I guess.

I use to think that fighting for someone was worth it. I use to believe that being in love meant waiting for a person to get their shit together. But it doesn't...and I'm through fighting. There's no point anymore. I can WAY too much about what others think about me. I care a lot about what they say about the things I do, the people I hang with, stuff like that. My reputation that precedes is all that I have and keeping it spotless means a lot to me. But sometimes you've got to just chuck those deuces & keep it movin...

I'm not fighting for anyone but D'Onna anymore. Fuck everyone and the bullshit they come with, it's time to look out for self. Everyone and kick a shit load of rocks and choke for all I give a shit about. Why care about people who obviously don't give a shit about me, and continue to give me crap time and time again. GO 2 HELL...

Fuck it.

things that make me go...hmmm

Sometimes I think people need to learn when to shut the hell up, and back away. Period.

There are moments when I think that life is wonderful. My finances are in the right spot. My school work is doing fine. My friends aren't acting suspect. My love life, though non-existent, doesn't phase me. Everything is good. Everything is great. Everything is fantastic.

And then there are times like this, where I'd like to smack the shit out of the first person who even speaks to me...

For some reason, moments like this come more often than you'd imagine. It honestly seems like every second of every one of my precious days on this campus is spent hating someone or something...or worrying about something or someone I can't control...

And I'm sick of it...

I'd just like to wake up one morning and not wonder what low blow is gonna be dealt to me. I'd like to wake up and not be scared my landlord is going to be banging on my door kicking me out. That my friends aren't going to be talking about me behind my back. That my 'ex' isn't going to make me cry...that I'm going to be able to stay in school. Sometimes I think so negatively about things because it's like 2nd nature to me. Like it's a reflex...and that ain't healthy.

This weekend is more than likely going to blow. Someone is bound to piss me off, my plans are not going to follow through, and my heart will be broken once again. Sometimes you just gotta be realistic with yourself and know that everything isn't going to be a bed of roses...

Lord, just keep me in school. I don't care about anything or anyone else but finishing here and leaving. Please let them have mercy on me...

i decide...

So it's about time for me to start posting again regularly. Life has been more than a little hectic lately, but I guess thats to be expected when you're in college and trying hard as hell to get out. I've decided that it's time to make moves so that I can get out of this place. I thought long and hard about transferring out of here this summer and going somewhere else to start off fresh and new. That thought isn't long gone out of my head, but it's not a first priority anymore. My first priority is getting out of my undergrad situation no matter how long it takes and no matter what people think about it. I've been at Kent longer than I ever wanted to be (Ok maybe not that long, but long enough), and I think it's time for me to move away from here so that I can grow educationally, mentally, and especially emotionally.

Don't get me wrong. College has been THEEEE best years of my life. It's also been some of the hardest and most trying, but they've been great, and I don't have much to complain about. It's here that I have learned the most about myself as a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. But sometimes chapters have to come to a close whether we love them or not. And I think Kent State University has done it's part in developing me into this woman I am today. But I also think it's part in my story is over.

I'm getting anxious and a little restless waiting for graduation to come along. I've got 1 more year and then I'm out of here, never ever to return again. It's been a good run I think. I've done more in these last 4 years than I've ever done in my whole life. And as much as I complain about it on the outside, I'm SO grateful for all the struggle & strain on the inside.

So with all that being said, I'm putting everyone and everything except school on the outside of my life. People and their drama and issues I don't have time for. Operation 'Get the Hell Out of Kent with a Friggin Degree" is now in progress...

Peace

who am i kidding?

Ok so the most important thing someone can be to themselves above everything & everyone else is honest. And for some reason I've been lying to myself for much longer than I thought.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all these great friendships around me. I'm jealous of other women of have wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) men on their arms. I'm jealous of people who get better grades than I do, have more money than I do, and look better than I do. I wish it could be me...

So there, I got it off my chest, good right? WRONG! I don't want to be jealous. Thats not a good thing to be, and it's damn sure hard to admit, not only to myself, but people around me. The weirdest thing about this, is that it's not my jealousy thats killing me slowly, it's the loneliness that's triggering the jealousy. I'm pretty independent. I hate it when I have to ask for help...shit, I hate even looking like I need help. I don't need anyone but Jesus, not my parents, not my friends, and especially not any wack ass man thats going to bring me NOTHING but a headache. I do it all by myself without any complaint...

I have no idea what triggered this bizzare emotion, but all I know is that I want it gone. I have no reason to be jealous of the things or relationships other people have. Especially when I've got some great things going on in my life also. I think jealousy makes people look weak and shallow, and I don't want to come off like that. I want to be content with being alone or content with the things that I have in my life. I don't want what someone else has, because the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but never really is.

So for now I guess I'll just chill here and pray to God this crap passes. Ain't no way in HELL I'm going out looking like a jealous person. NEVER!

Muah!

musically inclined thoughts...

So since a random song can get me going, I decided to put my favorite playlist on and get a post up here. Some think I have this blog and write for the benefit of others, but no one really reads this stuff and very few know this blog even exists, but you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. This page is my release therapy. It's used for my benefit and definitely NOT the benefit of others, but if someone does come by here, I hope it inspires them to write about their life like I do every (other) day...

Ok it's official. I'm a Chris Paul groupie. Not the kind that would have sex with him if I ever got that opportunity, but I'm not gonna lie, that thought has passed through my mind many times =). No, I'm just your average basketball loving girl, who watches his stats and games like I use to watch Sex & the City. Yes, it's THAT bad. He is an AMAZING basketball player, and from what I hear, he's a pretty cool guy also. If God knows what my heart desires, meeting Chris Paul is numero uno on the list. But until that time comes, I'll just sit here and write about how amazing he is lol...

I'm addicted to the Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Why? I could NOT even tell you why. All I know is that I've been sitting in my room for the past 4 hours watching reruns between all this studying I have to do. Those women are CRAZY! I have no idea what the point of the show is, but what I do know is that it's addicting to watch train wrecks happen and trust me when I say, like 12 train wrecks happen in a half hour episode. Sick...

So Football Player is on this whole golf kick. I've been playing golf since the age of 4, and it's always been one of those things that I was really good at, but had no intention on extending that greatness beyond high school. I think it really hurt my dad when I turned down the opportunity to play in college. But I'd spent my whole life before college playing, stressing, and killing myself about a stupid game. Nevermind all the pressure I had to be 'the female Tiger Woods' and carry on a legacy that I didn't think was mine, but whatever.

Anyway this guy swears up and down that he can beat me in my sport. I don't tell him that I can truck him on a football field now do I? Thats like me going up to Chris Paul (I know, enough about him) and trying to dunk on his ass. FOOLISHNESS! I haven't picked up a golf club in a really long time other than to play those once in awhile games with my father, but still, you can't deny raw and natural talent. It's gonna be the joy of my life to whoop his ASS whenever I get that wonderful chance.

It's funny how much you miss someone when you talk to them after a long while...I miss him a lot...

Favorite song right now has got to be 'Melt My Heart to Stone' by Adele. She's amazing...

Thats all I've got 4 right now. Muah!

help me believe

Todays Playlist

Chains - Kirk Franklin
All Things Are Working - Fred Hammond
Mercy Said No - Cece Winans

"Chains, I'm a heart full of sorrow. Chains, I won't sleep well tonight because of these chains. How I long for tomorrow, because today, I have no tears left to cry. Chains, though it feels cold like winter. Chains, I will fight to remember that by Your stripes I'm healed. To your heart Lord I appeal. Please free me from these chains..." -Kirk Franklin (Chains)

Today was weird. I'm at a place right now thats very scary. Everything I've worked for, and everything I've fought for, for so long might be gone tomorrow and totally in vain. My reputation as a strong woman is in jeopardy, and I have no one to blame but myself. It's taken so long for me to be able to forgive myself and move on from the things that I've done in the past, but people keep reminding me that I'm not so perfect after all. And if it's one thing I hate in this world it's seeming or looking bad in someone else's eyes.

I know that I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but I still try really hard to be the best person I can be, and not allow my flaws to get the best of me and be exposed. I know I deserved this. I know I deserve worse, but I'm just praying and hoping that God sees past this obvious mistake and allows me to have another chance. I want to be free from these chains that are binding me and holding my progress back. I want to be able to walk with my head held high, and not low with shame and regret. I want to be free from all the judgements people throw my way, and not care if others see me in a less than bright light. I just want to be me, and not be ashamed or embarrassed anymore.

of importance...

It's so important to have people in your life that love you unconditionally.

No matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or what God makes of my life, I'm so happy to have people in my life that love me unconditionally. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't thank God for putting people in my life that love me for who I am. Without reservation or complaint, these people know the real D'Onna and don't hold anything against me for how messed up I can be. I'm so blessed.

Even though it's really really REALLY hard trying to figure out who's real and who isn't I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I don't want to take any moment, good or bad, for granted, because I know they all came from my man upstairs, so there isn't a complaint or any pain that can match the love God has for me. This life is a hard life to live and sometimes the pills I'm given are extremely hard to swallow, but I take every burden and every blessing as a lesson learned.

I'm trying to figure out and learn about myself from the inside out. The happyness and joy I have on the inside sometimes don't register on the outside, but I'm working on that. Lord knows I'd rather be messed up on the outside and be peaceful on the inside than have it the other way around. Because I've been there before. I know what its like to have the whole world look at you and think everything is alright, completely oblivious to the fact that you're crying yourself to sleep from torment and trouble. I don't want to go back there and be that person with a front up all the time because she's too afraid to be real. Now is the time to be real with myself and those around me. Some may not like it, and some might even walk out on me, but God, and the other people that love me would never walk out on me. And I'm definitely blessed because of that fact...

I have no idea what the future holds for me at this moment in time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but whatever it is, I count it ALL joy, because I'd rather live through this moments of pain now rather than later. And I'd rather suffer with all this hurt, anger and confusion NOW than live a lie later.

Pinche text me back. I was surprised to say the least, but I'm not going to make much of it. I've made a big deal about the things he does in the past and have been disappointed, so I'm just going to take this for what it's worth (nothing), and keep it in my mind and not my heart. For the past year I've been using my heart instead of my head to sort through this confusion I've felt, but now the opposite is occurring. It's time to use my head and put my heart aside. Sometimes I just wish my heart would do what my mind tells it. I wouldn't have to feel horrible pain if I did...

Casting all my cares on Jesus, cause He's the only one who really cares for me...

bipolar?

So people think I'm crazy.

And trust me underneath all this happyness and laughter I bring into the lives of others, I really am crazy. It's not the 'I'll fucking cut you, you cunt ass bitch' type crazy...it's more of the 'you need to stay the hell away from me when I'm angry or I'll kill you' type crazy. Which is like a lot of people in my opinion. I have a temper. It takes a lot to make me go over the edge, but when you do it can get very ugly rather quickly. Not my fault it's apart of who I am, so don't call it what it isn't. It's a damn anger issue...NOT bipolarism...

The truth of the matter is that I'm going through a world of issues right now. I don't have enough money for rent, and I may be out on my ass very soon, my schooling is in jeopardy because of my lack of financial resources, my parents are less than helpful when it comes to money, my friends are flaking out on me every single day, and I just recently had my heart broken. These are the things that NORMAL people my age go through while in college, and sometimes, yes, I may complain about these things to people who I consider to be 'friends' hoping they'd understand and give me a shoulder to cry on, but I guess expecting that was expecting too much...as usual.

For people to think that because I'm not giddy with glee 24 hours of the fucking day = me being bipolar is some bullshit. Especially when I sit through sob story after sob story and listen to other people and what the hell their going through all the damn time. I give out advice like their free condoms, but when I need someone to be there for me, it's always the same fucking thing...'Dee's being over dramatic....OMG I think she's bipolar...It seems like she's always going through something or complaining...She sounds like a broken recored...' And all this shit is said to my back NEVER to my front. Fuck that. Real friends say anything and everything to your face. Real friends don't judge you, and real friends listen. Real PEOPLE understand that everyone goes through something @ one point in time, and the shit doesn't make you suicidal or bipolar, it makes them HUMAN!

I am a young educated Black woman who is having serious emotional, financial and spiritual issues. I am NOT sick. I am 21! I'm entitled to my opinion on the things that are going on in MY life. Why?! BECAUSE THE SHIT IS MINE! As fucked up as I may seem or my life may seem, this is what it is, and if someone has a fucking problem with that, they can kiss by young, Black, educated ASS...

Enjoy Bitches...

forgiving & forgetting

I'm learning to forgive...myself.

There are a lot of things I've done in the past. Good & bad. There are things that I'm really proud of, and moments that I'd rather forget, but their my moments and I have to learn to deal with them all. It's just really hard to forgive myself when other people won't let me forget the mistakes I've made.

I don't like judging others because I don't enjoy being judged. I know I could try a little harder not to judge others for the things that they do and I also know that I could do a better job at forgiving and forgetting the things the things that people have done to me. But thats the human part of all of us, right? We make mistakes, shit on one another, and all have a hard time at forgiving. So why is it, that I'm having such a hard time?

I'd really like to stop beating myself up all the time. Other people do a pretty good job at that anyway, so why am I making it worse by coming down so hard on who I am? There are a million things wrong with me, but for every wrong there are a million more that seem to be going alright. Yes, I'm a horrible person. I smoke, drink, and swear entirely too much. I complain a lot. My hair and clothes are not what I'd like them to be. 99% of the time I'm broke. I lose focus quickly. I take things fore granted. I'm sometimes not the best friend, sister, daughter, or employee that I could be. But thats alright... I'm a way better person than I was even a month ago. I use to hide behind this shell of a smile and great personality, when my heart was in horrible shape. I use to depend on others and not depend on God, and I use to blame all my problems and issues on Him instead of asking for forgiveness and moving on. Thats not the case anymore. Although my relationship with Christ isn't what it should be, I'm actually working on it instead of running away. I'm grateful...really grateful, for every storm and every sunshine...for every single high and low. I love the person I am right now. I'd like to be better, but not different. It's just really an issue for me to be alright with D'Onna when there are a million people reminding me that I'm not that pretty, I'm dramatic, I'm crazy, I'm not that smart, and I'm a complete and total fuck up.

So thats my prayer. I want to be able to forgive myself and forget the issues and mistakes I've made in the past. I really want the past to be the past in my head and in my heart...

lesson learned

So it seems as though I've been replaced.

I'm being replaced a lot these days. By friends, former lovers who call themselves my 'friends', family...mostly just by people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. Let me be the first to tell you, being replaced isn't fun. It's actually kind of brutal. But one thing is for sure, I seem to be taking it a lot better than I would have a year, month, or even a week ago. It's all in a days work I guess...

It's so funny the love and respect I pass out without anyone giving it back to me. I put everyone first in my life, but I don't seem to get that same treatment back. With my friends, it seems like I'm only good until...well something better comes along. This could be a new boyfriend or girlfriend...or just a new friend in general. Makes me kinda feel like milk...only good until I turn sour. And then with men, it's just that I'm only worth something until the find out they can't get it, hit it, and then quit it...or just until something better comes along...again. Stuff like this can be taxing on a girls heart, but I've grown some thick skin and big balls, and I'm determined not to let this stuff get to me.

Basically, I'd just really like it if people would place me at the top of the list instead of placing me behind other things and people. I kinda wish I got the same love that I give on a daily basis. I just kinda wish God would place people in my life that are going to last and not throw me for a loop every time I turn around. Because in all honesty...that shit gets really old.

Just putting it out there...
D'Onna LeSean

the cooLest...

Pro Nails - Kid Sister
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Didn't I Tell You - Keyshia Cole

It's quite possible that I'm the coolest person you'll ever meet.
Yea I think thats a pretty sweet evaluation of myself. You see I'm done not recognizing my worth. There's a million and one things that I could correct in my life, it's true, but when you boil all that down and leave all the baggage at the door, what you see is what you get...and what you get is a pretty sweet ass chick with a million things wrong with her, but a BAZILLION things going right for her =).

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but there's just something in me today that wants to make it known how cool I really am. I've got a beautiful future ahead of me. I got my own shit. I pay my own bills. I'm nice to everyone because you never know who's gonna need a smile, and I love God more than anyone else. I love my Dad and my siblings. I recognize when I'm wrong and try to fix it. I love LIFE...There is nothing in this world I can't do...So why do people try to take that shine from me?

I'll never know, but for this time being I'm going to live my life like it's platinum because thats the only thing I can do. I don't like struggle and suffering, but I know that God causes those things to happen to us to make us stronger. You can't make a flower grow without a little rain, so I'm going to welcome the rain as a sign that God is growing me up, making me stronger, and weeding out all those flaws that are not like Him...

I love D'Onna LeSean more than anyone out here can. I'm so sweet it kills me lol. And I'm worth FAR more than the shit thats tossed my way. I'm worth more than the hurt and pain. I'm worth more than the circles I jump through sometimes...But I'll take those lemons and make lemonade, because each day the Lord grants me to be here is a gift, and another chance to get this stuff right. Thank You Jesus!

Loving me all day 365 days of the friggin year because I'm sweet as hell!
D'Onna LeSean

Fascination...

Fascination - Kem
Get it Together - India Arie
Sometimes U Make Me Smile - Floetry

"It was fascination, I know. And it might have ended, at the start. A passing glance, a brief romance. And I might have gone, on my way, empty-hearted, empty-hearted

It was fascination, I know. Seeing you under, the moonlight above, baby. And I touch your hand, and I kiss you and fascination, turned to love, baby. My fascination, turned to love..." -Kem (Fascination)

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't had much to write about. I still don't have very much to write about, but I figure if I have this blog, I may want to write in it from time to time. Can't keep my fans waiting, right? =)... Soooo this weekend was a freakin blast! I haven't had that much fun in a long long time, and it was much needed. Thanks definitely needs to go out to mis chicas Elli and Katya as well as my best friend Brandon and my boy Tom...even if he is a jerk...

I got a couple of surprise phone calls that kinda threw me off a little...I played phone tag with the boy and as much as my heart wanted to be in it and talk to him, my freakin head wouldn't let me do it. My horoscope Friday said that last time I listened to my heart and advised that this time I should listen to my head. Normally I don't take into account what my horoscope says, it's just something fun to look at every now and then, but for some reason this one stuck out a little more and spoke to the situation I'm in more than any other time...

I'm beginning to believe that fascination will lead us to do some really dumb shit. Like fall in love with people who obviously aren't in love with us. Fascination keeps our attention, and sometimes engages our heart to feel things our head tells us not to. It can be a good thing...and it can also be annoying bad. As for my situation, fascination began as something beautiful and has ended as something that is getting on my damn nerves. I'm tired of being fascinated with whatever is going on and I need something to take my mind off this crap I'm dealing with...

So, where do I go from here? Leave suggestions please =)
Saharification...ugh!

D'Onna LeSean

You oughta see me now...

Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys
Still in Love - Kirk Franklin
Sometimes U Make Me Smile - Floetry

"Life perfect ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for. Falling down ain't falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor. It's called the past cause I'm getting past, and I ain't nothin like I was before. You oughta see me now..." -Alicia Keys 'Lesson Learned'

I think I'm at a turning point. It's one of those times in a persons life where they're at that fork in the road and are not really sure which road to take. I not proud to say this, but I'm scared of the future. I'm apprehensive to change and I hate being placed outside of my comfort zone. I'm not proud of this because it makes me look like a punk. And if there's anything I hate more in this world besides lima beans, it's looking like a punk.

I don't want to be like I was yesterday. I think that God causes things to happen to us, not only to make us stronger, but to grow us up also. He's an amazing guy and I'm not seeing that He's got more power than I'll ever have. So why don't I let Him use me? Maybe it's the fear that He'll let me down like a lot of other people have. Or maybe it's the fact in believing in someone I can't see, or sometimes hear, but can definately feel His touch...

I got something off my chest that I've been wanting too for a long time. I thank God for giving me that opportunity to say what had been on my mind for months now. It's taken a huge load off my chest. Time is important. I don't care who or what you ask, time is an important factor in everyone's life. I hate wasting my time. I think it's stupid and pointless, and I try really hard not to do it too often, because it gets on my nerves. My time is important because my life is hectic, but every single day no matter how busy, tired, or crazy my life may seem I take the time out to communicate with the ones I love the most. When I give my time to someone thats a big indication that I care. When that time isn't received back...well thats when I stop caring. And when an overly affectionate person like myself stops caring. Thats when you know you've lost me...

I'm done blabbing...

Trying to be better than I was yesterday...
D'Onna LeSean

Why waste a second not loving who you are?

Freckles - Natasha Bedingfield
Make Me Over - Tonex
Still - Kirk Franklin

"I used to care so much about what others think about, I almost didn't have a thought of my own. The slightest remark would make me embark on the journey of self-doubt, but that was a while ago. This girl has got stronger - and if I knew then what I know now,
I would've told myself don't worry any longer - it's ok...Because a face without freckles is like a sky without stars. Why waste a second not loving who you are? It's those imperfections that make you beautiful, valuable, loveable, they show your personality, inside your heart...reflecting who you are..." -Natasha Bedingfield (Freckles)

I've been absent from this blog due to the overwhelming work load I've taken on with school and living my already hectic life. Plus I've had nothing to write about. Until now. Throughout the last few weeks of my life I've dealt with not only losing things I thought I'd have forever, but I've also faced a situation that I've never had to endure quite as much as I have right now...this being self doubt. I'm not the most confident person in the world. But don't get me wrong, I know my worth. I'm priceless. There are very few people I know personally in this world who can go through as much as I have and am having to endure now and still can say that they are at the top of their game. God made a true one of a kind when He made me...

BUT...I feel my confidence wavering a little. At least my confidence with the way I look on the outside. If I could portray the confidence I have in my outer looks the same way I do about my inner, I'd be good to go. But for some reason it's failing. I've thought for a long time that I've lost my mojo...and by mojo, I mean confidence in everything I do. Lately I've just, well, not been caring a lot about the way I look , the things I say..how I'm portrayed to others...To put it plainly...I stopped giving a shit a LONG time ago. But it still bothers me when people ask dumb ass questions about the way I look and my sudden lack of confidence in myself...

I get it. I'm not the prettiest girl around, I'm not even the cutest. But I'm D'Onna, and I have to live with that fact every single day. I love me. I love the imperfections I look at in the mirror, and I'm beginning to not really give a crap about being 'fresh' or 'cute' or even 'beautiful' in the eyes of people around me. Theres a part of a really cool quote that says: "People who matter, don't mind..." And the people I'm around don't necessarily care what I look like or if I'm having a rough time maintaining my 'freshness'...They love me 4 me. And that seems to be all that matters.

I use to be pressed about having beautiful friends and always being the ugly duckling around amazingly beautiful people. I'm not so stressed anymore. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still let it get to me but, I whole heartedly believe that whoever God has for me, He'll send to me. I can't worry about always being the sidekick or the 'ugly friend' as some have said. Because I know I'm not ugly (LOL). Honestly, I'd probably repel the idea of having so many admirers, because I hate attention for what I have going on on the outside.


So I guess I'm going to sit here and love every imperfection I find within and out of myself. No sense in fulfilling everyone else's desires for what they want me to look like or act like because shit like that changes everyday. For now I think I'll just be D'Onna and love who and what God made me into. I just kinda wish I didn't always have to hear about every imperfection someone finds in me...Because that shit gets old....

Content in His arms...
D'Onna LeSean

U wanna a piece of me?

Piece of Me - Britney Spears
Mirror - Mary J. Blige
Alright - Ledisi

I've been doing some thinking lately. Not that this is not normal, ya know the thinking part, but I've been doing a lot of soul searching during the time I've been on winter break. I've thought about my future here @ Kent, my family and the lack of support I seem to be getting from them, and I've also been thinking a hell of a lot about the friends I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely blessed to have people in my life that actually give two shits about me and who I am. I've never really had people other than my father who actually cared about D'Onna. I'm happy, I am, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of apprehensiveness ya know? It's kind of like I'm nervous, scared almost to allow myself to become too good of friends with people or let them know too much about myself for fear that they take whatever negative information they know about me and use it against me for whatever reason. I know it sounds like I'm paranoid, and let me be the first to tell you that you're probably right. I've been hurt before my family members, I've been hurt before by men, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurts more than being betrayed by a friend. Thats the worse type of hurt I think anyone can go through because friends are the ones that are suppose to be there when everyone else shits on you. I know some people are going to think I'm wrong, but in D'Onna's world, which is where I reside, I'm right...

On to a brighter subject...I think. It's official. HIP HOP IS DEAD. I'm sorry to all the MC's out there who will disagree with what I'm about to say, but I've got to say it. If I hear another damn song about doing a dance or about how much money someone has, I'll shoot myself. What ever happened to writing music ABOUT something? About love or even hate, about family and friends? What happened to the good ol' days? I've resorted to deleting all this wack music from my iPod and my iTunes library and replacing the bullshit with music of substance...

Word of the Day: 'Stuntastic' by Kanye West (LOVE his swag...)

D'Onna LeSean

Gravity

Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Grew Up a Screw Up - Ludacris

Sharing time, is caring time...so I have something to share...

"Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. And no matter what I say or do, I still feel you till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. Keep me without strain. I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand, so talk, just the way I'm suppose to be. But your onto me, and all over me..." -Sara Bareilles (Gravity)

I listen to that song about 10 times a day. No seriously I do. It speaks to everything I'm going through at this moment in time. It sucks to love someone. Plain and simple. It sucks even more when that person may not love you back, but for some reason is still on your mind and in every part of your thoughts. It bites to be reminded of the past, and not to have a desire to want to start new with someone else because you're still hung up on something that may never happen and someone who may never be yours.

I'm getting a bit personal right now, so if you're reading this, it's your lucky day. I rarely talk in depth about my inner most thoughts, those are reserved for my personal journal, but I feel like getting this off my chest something horrible.

I want to be free. I'm tired of being chained to memories and words unspoken out of fear of the unknown. I want to not care. I want to not answer my phone and shut myself away from these games I participate in and move on. Why is it that love makes us do the stupidest things? We put up with stuff we don't have to put up with, all for the sake of saying that we have someone on our arm. We sacrifice, do without, live in confusion, all for the sake of saying that we're attached to someone other than God...Weird

My feelings are getting old, this situations getting old, I'M getting old, so I think it's time for me to be through...Whatdoyathink?

Def Poetry Jam is my favorite show EVER! Check out this piece below entitled 'Yellow Rage', it gives you a new meaning to who Asian people really are. Dope...



"And if you don't know, now you know asshole...: -Yellow Rage
D'Onna LeSean

i can watch a sunset on my own

Merry Happy - Kate Nash
Believer - Christina Milian
Just a Prayer Away - Yolanda Adams

I'm terrified about this year. I know that I should be excited because it's a new year, and new things are going to come about, but I can't shake the feeling that this year is going to be one of the most challenging years of my life. Why? Why am I so apprehensive about 2008? What makes it so scary to me? I'm not sure, but I hope that I'm strong enough to make it through to see 2009...

Nothing new is going on this way. School is about to begin and I've got mixed feelings about it. Usually I'm excited for a clean start, and a new semester. It's usually filled with wonderful learning experiences, about myself and also with the new curriculum I'll be learning. I think I'm feeling weird because this semester will make or break me in my educational career. Plus, I think I'm old, so new semesters just mean that I'm that much closer to fulfilling a goal I've been working on for what seems like forever...I just kinda want to be done with it already...

I like Kent. I like my school and the people I've surrounded myself with. I'm proud of my accomplishments here, and what I've achieved, but my surroundings are beginning to get old. Nothing about Kent excites me anymore. People bring about unnecessary drama, and schoolwork is getting increasingly harder and more taxing. I need something to put the pep back into my step. Lord knows I hope I find it, and SOON.

I'm into music. WAY into music. Any and ALL music. I think that God speaks to me through music. As weird as that sounds, it's consistently proven to be true. I can always find a song or a lyric that speaks to me in any mood that I'm in, so I'm always up on new artists or new genres. Today I found this UK phenom named Kate Nash. She's pretty sweet. She reminds me a lot of Feist with an Amy Winehouse twist. If you don't know who either one of those artists are please check them out because they're freakin amazing! Anyway, Kate's song Merry Happy is THE coolest song ever. Please check out her myspace and support! www.myspace.com/katenashmusic

Remember kids..."Reach your hand up and you can play with the stars. It's not the hand you're dealt, but how you play with your cards. Boyy!" -Ludacris (Grew Up a Screw Up)

D'Onna LeSean



Check this out! It's Salt from Salt n Peppa on Def Poetry Jam...Her poem was entitled "We Follow Your Lead" It's pretty deep...Get inspired!

To all the boys I've loved before...

This poem written by Mayda De Valle has touched my heart in a way that a lot of things will never be able to. I love poetry and I wish that I could take all the images and words in my mind and put them to paper like real poets are able too..

Anyway, I've got a request to write a little more in this thing, so I guess this is the best way to start. From time to time I'll be posting poetry and lyrics that are close to my heart...Hopefully they'll become close to yours also...

To All the Boys I've Loved Before -Mayda De Valle

Part 1
we are not your mothers
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded
and half filled with promises
you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we have become much too accustomed to empty beds and damp pillows
become much too accustomed
to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down
with the bodies of men
heavy with the scent and the hands of other women
and we
simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prin
place scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddess
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning
for the little girls we loose by the minute.


Part 2
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently
you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
the truth cannot be hidden
what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love
you should have known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
i guess shit happens
i just wish it wasn’t me
and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost
then to never have loved at all
i know that’s some easy shit to say
but I’m still going to try and live by it
i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it
i will sleep on dry pillows now
in a bed big enough to love myself in
i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry
and shining full of the knowledge
i am priceless
and worth nothing but honesty
i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest
and take the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I’m sorry to her
i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man to come along
that can give me the truth
of how much he can really love me...

You'll be hearing from me soon =)

D'Onna LeSean