3.29.2008

of importance...

It's so important to have people in your life that love you unconditionally.

No matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or what God makes of my life, I'm so happy to have people in my life that love me unconditionally. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't thank God for putting people in my life that love me for who I am. Without reservation or complaint, these people know the real D'Onna and don't hold anything against me for how messed up I can be. I'm so blessed.

Even though it's really really REALLY hard trying to figure out who's real and who isn't I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I don't want to take any moment, good or bad, for granted, because I know they all came from my man upstairs, so there isn't a complaint or any pain that can match the love God has for me. This life is a hard life to live and sometimes the pills I'm given are extremely hard to swallow, but I take every burden and every blessing as a lesson learned.

I'm trying to figure out and learn about myself from the inside out. The happyness and joy I have on the inside sometimes don't register on the outside, but I'm working on that. Lord knows I'd rather be messed up on the outside and be peaceful on the inside than have it the other way around. Because I've been there before. I know what its like to have the whole world look at you and think everything is alright, completely oblivious to the fact that you're crying yourself to sleep from torment and trouble. I don't want to go back there and be that person with a front up all the time because she's too afraid to be real. Now is the time to be real with myself and those around me. Some may not like it, and some might even walk out on me, but God, and the other people that love me would never walk out on me. And I'm definitely blessed because of that fact...

I have no idea what the future holds for me at this moment in time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but whatever it is, I count it ALL joy, because I'd rather live through this moments of pain now rather than later. And I'd rather suffer with all this hurt, anger and confusion NOW than live a lie later.

Pinche text me back. I was surprised to say the least, but I'm not going to make much of it. I've made a big deal about the things he does in the past and have been disappointed, so I'm just going to take this for what it's worth (nothing), and keep it in my mind and not my heart. For the past year I've been using my heart instead of my head to sort through this confusion I've felt, but now the opposite is occurring. It's time to use my head and put my heart aside. Sometimes I just wish my heart would do what my mind tells it. I wouldn't have to feel horrible pain if I did...

Casting all my cares on Jesus, cause He's the only one who really cares for me...

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