could it be? does he actually miss me?

Today has been an interesting on thus far.

I didn't have to work today (thank God), and the time off gave way to the idling thoughts my mind creates when I have a vast amount of time on my hands. I've been battling for awhile now about my decision to not head back to Kent. Everything about this decision hasn't quite hit me, until today. Thats because while everyone is on their way back to school, I won't be there waiting for them, I won't be participating in the traditional school things...I'll be @ home grinding my ass off harder than ever before. It just makes me kinda miss what I thought I didn't want.

Speaking of what I didn't want...Is it possible for someone to love the YOU, you love? Is it at all possible for someone to love the person you are, without reservation or hesitation? Is it possible for us as people to love another wholeheartedly, and not make that love conditional?

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” - Sex & the City

I wonder if he misses me as much as I do him...

::edit:: I'm so amazingly proud of myself it isn't even funny! Usually after successfully making contact with my Mr. Big, I'd spend hours after obsessing and breaking down every little detail to either uplift & give myself a false sense of hope, or use the opportunity to hate him, and hate myself for loving him. Today, none of these things occurred and I couldn't be happier with myself! Go me! Woo!

Maybe Brandon's right. Maybe I'm jaded & cynical. Maybe I expect the worse. But I don't give a flying fuck right now! Jaded or not, I'm happy...YES!

Maybe this means we could be, like friends or something?


love is stronger than pride.

Today I got to thinking about friendship & family.
What happens to the friends that turn into family and the people in our family who become more like our friends...
And what happens to the wayward friendships & family members we lose along the way...

If there is nothing else I love more in my life, it's my family and friends. They make me who I am now and shape who I'll become in the future. They are my essence, my soul, my heart, and I cherish them more than anything in this world. I have friends who are my family and I have family who are my friends. But what happens to the ones that I've lost along my journey?

I'm listening to Sade's song 'Love is Stronger than Pride' and as I'm listening to it, these lyrics have popped out and bitch slapped me in the face...

"I won't pretend that I'll stop loving you. I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving. But I can't hate you. Though I've tried..."

I've tried to hate those wayward friends and family for a long time. I've tried to hate all the people I thought had done me wrong in the past, present, or those who I think will do me wrong in the future. I've spent so much time placing blame and finding fault that I've lost what it means to look into yourself and reflect.

I know that I am a flawed individual. I know I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but I can't and will not be walked on for any reason what so ever. I can't control what others think of me, but I can control what I think of myself. I'm a pretty decent person with big dreams. I love those who love me. And I forgive those who forgive me. Sometimes I get sad thinking of all the people who aren't in my life and what happened to result in them not being around. There's a ton of things that I could have done differently in the past, but being that those events are behind me, they can't be changed. All I can do is pray for forgiveness, forgive, and then forget it.

Big meeting tomorrow about my future. I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me.


toby keith is an idiot.

douches come in all colors, shapes & sizes i guess...

i usually don't express my opinions about pop culture or any culture for that matter, on this blog because well...i just don't feel like it...but this...this i had to vent about.

toby keith has made many offenses towards mankind with his lack of thinking before speaking. for some reason the african american race & our poster child barack obama have taken a couple hits from the idiot country singer as of late. first it was that dumb ass song about his racist grandpappy hanging muthasuckas on a tree for their indiscretions, and now he's making stupid ass comments about black people not believing barack obama is BLACK because he acts like he's WHITE.

ok...the race issue is a sensitive one. i get it...but goddamit, sometimes you just gotta say what the fuck you feel & right now I'm feeling some type of way about this idiot WHITE MAN explaining how BLACK PEOPLE supposedly feel about another BLACK PERSON...

First of all...WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN TO ACT BLACK? I've had to battle with this during the duration of my life. I've been told that because I don't look a certain way, act a certain way, wear my hair a certain way, and because I don't have negative mannerisms...that I'm not black. Hmmm...last time I looked into a mirror and saw my reflection I WAS BLACK...so please don't make yourself look like an idiot and tell me i'm not...

I'm tired

I just wish that people would think about the things they want to say before they say it. What the fuck are people thinking nowadays when they can write songs about their grandparents yolking niggas up on trees & and about a black man not being a black man because he doesn't personify the negative stereotypes that others have placed upon us. When are we as a culture going to put our foot down and tell these dumb ass people who say dumb ass things to SHUT THE FUCK UP once and for all....

through thick & thin.

my best friend is leaving me.

he's heading to miami in the morning to do the 'grown up' thing, and start his life by working with the miami heat. i'm happy for him, i am, but a part of me feels left behind and a little more than sad.

he's been apart of my life since high school, and i have no idea what i'm gonna do without him being around, or at least in constant reach. i can honestly say that he's one person i love with ALL my heart. he has never once judged me for my shortcomings, and has stuck with me through some difficult times in my life. he's the closest thing to a rock that i've ever had in a friend, and has always been my shoulder to cry on. we've had some good times, and some rough patches...but throughout my life he's always been there.

i guess this is just a sign that times are changing and we're actually doing the unthinkable...growing up. i can't wait to see what God has in store for his future and mine...

"you just call out my name, and you know where ever i am, i'll come running to see you again. winter spring summer or fall, all you gotta do is call, and i will be there. you've got a friend..."

i love you brandon with all my heart.


sidekick syndrome...

Ok, so I happen to have very attractive friends.

This fact about my life has never bothered me. That is until I step out of my house and into this man infested pit of a world.

For example; last weekend I went out with a bunch of guy friends, their guy friends, and my one girl friend Taneeka who happens to be extremely gorgeous. Throughout the course of the night I got propositioned zero times, but Taneeka got TONS of props. Did this bother me? Not one bit, I'm not a jealous, psycho, nut job...what bothered me was that I was being used as a stepping stone to get to my attractive friend!

This is not the first time I've felt like a sidekick. No, on the contrary, I feel like this ALL THE TIME. Does it get old? YES. Am I tired of it? O YES. Will it ever end? WHO KNOWS. But one thing I do know, is that being the sidekick has made me a lot bolder and a lot blunter. I no longer play along with the game of: "O introduce me to your hot friend"...I now laugh and inform him that he can introduce himself. I no longer get down on myself because someone used me to get to a friend. When they approach me, I promptly tell them where the can go...to hell.

Yea yea yea, I get it...I'm not the object of desire for these douche bags, I know. But last time I checked I was 22 NOT 12 and playing the game of telephone went out of style just like Giga Pets and JNCO Jeans...

Yet I still find myself being used as a bridge between these men and my overly attractive friends.

Some advice for the fella's out there. DO NOT approach the friend of a really hot girl with the intentions of just tossing her aside when you get close to the really hot girl. It makes you look sneaky and really insecure. I do not want to be your stepping stone assbag. Don't treat me like one...


on the count of 3. please grow up.

things happen to me for a reason
things happen to other people for a reason

now if i could just figure out what the fuck the reason behind these 'things' are, i'll be fine.

but thats not the way life works. you see stuff happens to us, good & bad, and we're told that it's 'working towards our good'. hmmm, intriguing. isn't it annoying when these events occur and we have no idea why it happened or where it came from. especially when the event is less than exciting, like a bill out of no where or in extreme cases, a death in our family. why do things like the events i briefly described before appear out of thin air. is there a way to prevent them, or are unfortunate occurrences just something that happen in this maze called life?

i'd really like the opportunity to understand and analyze why some things just happen for a reason. and I'd really like it if the person who came up with that idiotic quote, jump in the muthafuggin hudson. jerk.

this may not make sense to some. but it makes complete sense to me. and that my friends, is all that matters...

g'day mate!

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