who am i kidding?

Ok so the most important thing someone can be to themselves above everything & everyone else is honest. And for some reason I've been lying to myself for much longer than I thought.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all these great friendships around me. I'm jealous of other women of have wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) men on their arms. I'm jealous of people who get better grades than I do, have more money than I do, and look better than I do. I wish it could be me...

So there, I got it off my chest, good right? WRONG! I don't want to be jealous. Thats not a good thing to be, and it's damn sure hard to admit, not only to myself, but people around me. The weirdest thing about this, is that it's not my jealousy thats killing me slowly, it's the loneliness that's triggering the jealousy. I'm pretty independent. I hate it when I have to ask for help...shit, I hate even looking like I need help. I don't need anyone but Jesus, not my parents, not my friends, and especially not any wack ass man thats going to bring me NOTHING but a headache. I do it all by myself without any complaint...

I have no idea what triggered this bizzare emotion, but all I know is that I want it gone. I have no reason to be jealous of the things or relationships other people have. Especially when I've got some great things going on in my life also. I think jealousy makes people look weak and shallow, and I don't want to come off like that. I want to be content with being alone or content with the things that I have in my life. I don't want what someone else has, because the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but never really is.

So for now I guess I'll just chill here and pray to God this crap passes. Ain't no way in HELL I'm going out looking like a jealous person. NEVER!


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