3.25.2008

forgiving & forgetting

I'm learning to forgive...myself.

There are a lot of things I've done in the past. Good & bad. There are things that I'm really proud of, and moments that I'd rather forget, but their my moments and I have to learn to deal with them all. It's just really hard to forgive myself when other people won't let me forget the mistakes I've made.

I don't like judging others because I don't enjoy being judged. I know I could try a little harder not to judge others for the things that they do and I also know that I could do a better job at forgiving and forgetting the things the things that people have done to me. But thats the human part of all of us, right? We make mistakes, shit on one another, and all have a hard time at forgiving. So why is it, that I'm having such a hard time?

I'd really like to stop beating myself up all the time. Other people do a pretty good job at that anyway, so why am I making it worse by coming down so hard on who I am? There are a million things wrong with me, but for every wrong there are a million more that seem to be going alright. Yes, I'm a horrible person. I smoke, drink, and swear entirely too much. I complain a lot. My hair and clothes are not what I'd like them to be. 99% of the time I'm broke. I lose focus quickly. I take things fore granted. I'm sometimes not the best friend, sister, daughter, or employee that I could be. But thats alright... I'm a way better person than I was even a month ago. I use to hide behind this shell of a smile and great personality, when my heart was in horrible shape. I use to depend on others and not depend on God, and I use to blame all my problems and issues on Him instead of asking for forgiveness and moving on. Thats not the case anymore. Although my relationship with Christ isn't what it should be, I'm actually working on it instead of running away. I'm grateful...really grateful, for every storm and every sunshine...for every single high and low. I love the person I am right now. I'd like to be better, but not different. It's just really an issue for me to be alright with D'Onna when there are a million people reminding me that I'm not that pretty, I'm dramatic, I'm crazy, I'm not that smart, and I'm a complete and total fuck up.

So thats my prayer. I want to be able to forgive myself and forget the issues and mistakes I've made in the past. I really want the past to be the past in my head and in my heart...

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