bad habit...

"your my bad habit. trying not to love you like i do. your my bad habit, but somehow i don't wanna get rid of you..."

i'm a bit stuck right now. somewhere deep in my heart, i'd like to be rid of him. somewhere deep deep down, i wouldn't mind never seeing or speaking to him again because it causes me so much confusion, but then on the surface of my heart and soul, i know all of that is a lie.

there are parts of me that would love nothing more than to hold onto something i've never had, and probably won't ever receive, but then there are those practical non romantic parts of my psyche that won't allow my heart to do the talking anymore. i'm just not sure who to listen to...

i'd like it if everything could work itself out without my incessant involvement. i'd much rather make decisions about what i do and say to him without consciously being aware of those decisions and then dwelling or thinking about them over and over again. i'd like it if i could treat him like i treat every other guy i know. like a friend and not like someone i really like...

so i'm in maryland right now...

and for some reason, i feel like i've reverted back to being in high school. granted, i did just turn 22 years of age, and WAS feeling a tad bit on the old side; coming to maryland has really made me feel like a teen again...or maybe thats just because i'm being treated like one...

i have never been a problem child. i've never been a wild child. i have always been a good girl. i have never been questioned about my actions in college. i've never been one of those kids you needed to worry about going crazy with a little freedom. i have been and always will act a little older than my age. until now...

being here makes me feel like i'm a 16 year old sex obsessed horny ass girl, who needs extra supervision and a pad lock placed on her bedroom door. why you ask? because for some reason every time i turn around someone is making some smart ass remark about what i look like, sound like, what i've 'done' supposedly in college, how i'm acting '16ish', how i throw temper tantrums, how i 'probably' act at school, or (this is my favorite) how i 'always have an answer for something'...

now that i have a moment to sit and reflect on this (because this ain't the first time i've thought about it), i've come to the conclusion that this is all garbage and i cannot WAIT to get my first paycheck so i can get the fuck out of dodge on the weekends. i'd like to take a small moment and use this blog for it's intended use...venting. excuse me while i cuss someone out...

Look Asshole.

I am 22 goddamn years old. I have been taking care of myself for more than 4 years now. I pay MY OWN tuition, rent, car note, cable bill, phone bill, electric, and whatever else comes out of no where. I'm not spoiled hunny, I make my own money, pay my own bills and take care of my damn self. Please do not get it twisted, just because I LOOK young sure don't make me young.

I am NOT a party girl. Please don't get that fucked up either. I work damn hard for everything I have, so if I want to go out and have a good time, and spend some money on a drink then I'll do that. Why? Because I'm GROWN. And there ain't a thing in HELL that can take that fact away from me. I don't want to hear a smart ass comment every time I have a picture with a drink in my hand, or a boy in my picture. I AM NOT A SEX CRAZED FEMALE! I'm not even sexually active at this point in time! WTF?!?!

You need to realize that I'm not 16. In a mental sense I was never even given the opportunity to be 16, so back the fuck off! I'm not some irresponsible college student that has been taken care of by mommy and daddy her whole life. I've had to take care of my damn self. So please please PLEASE for your sake, keep the smart ass comments to yourself. Don't let the exterior fool you...I'm not all that I may seem...

This shit is gonna make me blow up before the summer ends. I can already feel it...