6.24.2008

until i get over you...(all of you)

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain every time I hear your name...

Umm I tried to not let it get this far, but since I can never seem to help myself, I end up not being able to sleep from obsessing over something & someone I have no control over and cannot fix. Instead of doing the logical think (stop thinking about the shit) I overanalyze. Trust me when I tell ya that NOT overanalyzing is a lot easier said than done. I've spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS telling myself & anyone who would listen to me that 1) I'm so over him/them 2) I just don't care anymore, and 3) (this one's my favorite) I don't have time to love/think/feel 4 someone who doesn't love/think about/feel for me.

So not only am I a crazy obsessed overanalyzer, I'm also a liar.

The more & more I talk about stuff, the more & more I happen to think about it. My inactivity for the last couple of weeks has added onto the mountain of thoughts/daydreams/weirdness that began developing in my mind a long friggin time ago. You'd think I'd be done burning bridges and want to start fresh, with zero memories; part of me wants this more than anything, but the other part isn't playing fair at all.

I'd like to be able to NOT think about 'him' and how I may have contributed to our disastrous beginning/middle/DEMISE. I'd like to wake up without thinking/counting the days since he's called & then sit and count the days since he's called and actually had a conversation about anything but golf (ugh). I want to be able to go one day without thinking about who he's moved on with, and why it was so easy to move on in the first place, like I wasn't shit. It'd be nice to not have to think of the people I left back in Kent who probably won't miss me because of the shit I always got myself into. It'd be nice to not once regret the things that I've done in the past, people I've hurt, or things I should have never said or done. It would be really nice to be Ok for once.

There's a Kirk Franklin song that says: "when I die, what will they say about me? Will the work that I've done, be enough to help someone, when I die..." That got me thinkin. What will people say about me now that I'm not going back to Kent. Will they be relieved/happy/excited? Or will I have meant something to someone, somewhere. Will I have touched someone even a little, to the point that they miss me? I think it's human nature to have the desire to be loved. We all want to feel relevant and wanted in someone's eyes. We all want to feel desired...

I've got nothing more to say. I just needed to get that off my chest & outta my head. Some people probably think I'm crazy for some of the things I say and do. I grew up being the 'weird' one. Surprisingly I don't feel much shame for being different or as some would call it 'crazy'. It's apart of who I am, and its damn time I start embracing the REAL D'Onna...

All these people can blow me...

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