what do i have to do?

So I've figured out what my problem may be...
I think I have an addici

all falls down.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together..."

I have never been lucky with love. Period.
I've been lucky with catching the eye of men, but never quite that lucky with keeping that eye on me...and I have no idea why.

Right now I'm going through a huge transition. I'm relocating, starting/finishing school, checking my emotions (finally); I'm finally making moves towards achieving my wildest dreams...so why do I need a man involved in all of this? The truth is men distract me somewhat. Maybe not from my big picture, but they sure have a way of distracting me from the little goals needed to get to the big picture. And those baby steps are what I need to make it too the top...I just keep letting assholes get in my way.

For example: I met this swagtastic man this past weekend. His style and sex appeal was setting my swag-o-licious meter off the fuggin charts. Thats how great his presence was. And he was quiet & chill (my polar opposite) which is exactly the type of man I like. Anyhoo, he had swag & the looks & charisma, and I we exchange numbers...then the shit hit the damn fan. Y must I get my mind wrapped up in something that so obviously won't amount to anything? The same thing happened with T, Football Player & Baby Daddy (code names). I have guy friends who I can say ANYTHING too and do ANYTHING with (except sex) and I have not a care in the world about how they view me. I'd just like to have someone who I love like a friend but want to rip off their clothes also. It's like those 2 emotional parts of us won't merge...In the world of Usher and Lil Jon...I want a lover and a friend damnit!

So I had made the decision when this summer began to take the steps towards my dreams ALONE, without a companion. It seems like the right thing to do. Spending this next few years single will give me the focus I need to make my little dreams come true while at the same time setting the stage for my big ones...

Some male attention would be nice tho...
Ok, I'm trippin. See what I mean by distracted? Oye vay!

love it or hate it the underdog's on top.

I haven't been around for awhile...
& trust me when I tell you, nothing life altering has changed.

Which is something I'm not quite use too. Ever since I made the decision to transfer back home and finish school, my life has been drama free. It's so funny how once we become use to all the bullshit going on in our lives, when it ceases to exist, things become weird for us and sometimes we go out and seek that chaos. Well I think I'm just about finish seeking the chaos because it has no place in my world anymore. And that feels so good...

Went to Columbus this weekend to visit KP & Dani with mis chica Booty Meat (bait!). I had a good time seeing them, I'm certainly going to miss that portion of Kent next year. Anyhoo, I achieved my goal and had one more big 'pissy drunk' night before it was time to grow up. Met some nice people & some cool swagtastic Iota's who I was a little sketchy about at first, but turned out to be pretty cool men. All in all it was a terrific weekend. Check the pics...













peace & love.

dad.

One thing I've never been able to wrap my mind around is the way my father leads his life, and the lack of appreciation he receives for being the wonderful person he is. Can someone say overworked & under-appreciated?

My father is my hero. Yes, we have a terrific relationship. No, we do not get along all the time (we get on each others nerves a lot), but there is no one on this earth I would rather have as a father and a best friend. He's truly one of a kind, and everyday I pray that I'm just like him...under-appreciated and all.

I've watched my Dad get the short end of so many sticks on my lifetime (yea, all 22 years). He's been mistreated by loved ones, put out of his way, pitied, and beat down so many times, but stuff like this never phases him. Yes, he gets discouraged sometimes (everyone does), but every moment of discouragement drives him the pick himself up, and keep going.

I admire my dad because he's never given up on me or my siblings. Even when we fuck up, he's always there to reprimand, pick us up off the ground, and encourage us to keep it moving towards our goal. I work for my father. I go to school for my father. I'm getting my degree(s) for my father. Why? Because I want him never to have to worry about anything ever again...

do the right thing dee...

For once I think I did the right thing.

For the most part, I'm the type of person that needs to announce if something or someone is out of order. Especially when it has something to do with me. I'm not the girl who's quiet & complacent. Sometimes I can seem that way, but most of the time I'm usually the one who needs to be vindicated.

Boy, have times changed.

Where once I was high strung, drama filled, loud & obnoxious, now I'm slowly allowing things to roll of my back. I'm not really concerned with the opinions others have about me. Once upon a time I cared...now...not so much. What people think or say about me is a matter of opinion, good or bad. I could care less about either one...

Today was the perfect example. I had a friend (HAD...ahem) who did something that really irritated me. I take that back. She's flat out untrustworthy. I can never be too sure that the things coming out of her mouth are really true. Anyway, she flat out played me, which is something that I have NEVER been able to suck up and move on from. When I'm played, you are gonna know that I know what it is, and how that shit will never happen again. So I got played & didn't respond to it like I'm sure a lot of people were expecting me too...with someone getting cussed the hell out. I instead did the complete opposite. I let it roll off my back.

There are some people we just don't need in our lives. I've learned that the people that keep shit going, are a prime example of the people I don't need in mine. As much as we may love or like them, a headache is not worth someone who keeps popping up stirring up trouble. I've got better shit to worry about, ya dig?

You know there's this quote that says something about a million people would love to see you fall & right now I don't think there is any other words that can describe the way I'm feeling. I think everyone has people that hate them, why should I be any different. I guess what I've gotta do now is not let the shit effect me so much, ya know? Try not to let it ruin my day or feel bad about someone disliking me. At the end of the day all I've got is myself anyway, right?

gratefulness

Everywhere I look people my age or younger have children.

I can't imagine my life right now with children. What would I be able to offer them? I'm not knocking anyone or trying to be insensitive or judgmental towards young women with children, these are just my opinions on what my life would be like had I gone down that road and decided (or not) to have sex & make a baby with someone.

In a way I'm incredibly grateful to God that He's been good enough to me for that not to be an issue.

mentally misconfigured...

I've always felt like a creative person.

I think in a way we all have creative tendencies, yes, some more than others, but we all have creative juices flowing through us none the less. I also think that people use the creativity given to them in different ways. Some of us use them for political purposes to run campaigns (ahem...Obama for instance), while others use them for stage, film, & fashion. I like the think of myself as a well rounded bullshitter, meaning I can talk about pretty much anything by just knowing the bare necessities of the conversation. Good for networking, but bad for putting my thumb on something I can do for the rest of my life.

My numero uno (Dad) gave me this book to read when I came back here. It's entitled 'the 5 secrets you must discover before you die'. Pretty intense huh? Actually being the nerd I am, I actually find the book quite useful. At this critical point in my life (can someone say 'fork in the road') I'm often finding myself second guessing the path that I've chosen to take. Granted helping people realize their own dreams is something that I've wanted to do practically my whole life, AND the human mind does excite and get my blood flowing, but at the same time, how am I suppose to help others achieve and realize their own dreams, when I'm not even sure what mine are anymore?

I have to admit my first love is the arts. But my biggest hang up in life is being stable. A degree in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling, and hopefully a PsyD in Clinical Psychology are the steps that are obvious to take in my life in order to achieve that financial stability. Writing & other forms of expressing myself have always been things that have been done in my down time. The stuff that makes me the happiest, the most at ease. Nothing makes me happier than reading a book, or listening to music, or writing, or taking pictures. Nothing in this world can compare to the feeling these things bring me. But I want to feel like that all the time. I want to be able to wake up & actually enjoy the things I do all day, not just be interested in them.

So I'm stuck. Should I follow my heart? Or my bank account?

Practicality sucks by the way...

until i get over you...(all of you)

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain every time I hear your name...

Umm I tried to not let it get this far, but since I can never seem to help myself, I end up not being able to sleep from obsessing over something & someone I have no control over and cannot fix. Instead of doing the logical think (stop thinking about the shit) I overanalyze. Trust me when I tell ya that NOT overanalyzing is a lot easier said than done. I've spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS telling myself & anyone who would listen to me that 1) I'm so over him/them 2) I just don't care anymore, and 3) (this one's my favorite) I don't have time to love/think/feel 4 someone who doesn't love/think about/feel for me.

So not only am I a crazy obsessed overanalyzer, I'm also a liar.

The more & more I talk about stuff, the more & more I happen to think about it. My inactivity for the last couple of weeks has added onto the mountain of thoughts/daydreams/weirdness that began developing in my mind a long friggin time ago. You'd think I'd be done burning bridges and want to start fresh, with zero memories; part of me wants this more than anything, but the other part isn't playing fair at all.

I'd like to be able to NOT think about 'him' and how I may have contributed to our disastrous beginning/middle/DEMISE. I'd like to wake up without thinking/counting the days since he's called & then sit and count the days since he's called and actually had a conversation about anything but golf (ugh). I want to be able to go one day without thinking about who he's moved on with, and why it was so easy to move on in the first place, like I wasn't shit. It'd be nice to not have to think of the people I left back in Kent who probably won't miss me because of the shit I always got myself into. It'd be nice to not once regret the things that I've done in the past, people I've hurt, or things I should have never said or done. It would be really nice to be Ok for once.

There's a Kirk Franklin song that says: "when I die, what will they say about me? Will the work that I've done, be enough to help someone, when I die..." That got me thinkin. What will people say about me now that I'm not going back to Kent. Will they be relieved/happy/excited? Or will I have meant something to someone, somewhere. Will I have touched someone even a little, to the point that they miss me? I think it's human nature to have the desire to be loved. We all want to feel relevant and wanted in someone's eyes. We all want to feel desired...

I've got nothing more to say. I just needed to get that off my chest & outta my head. Some people probably think I'm crazy for some of the things I say and do. I grew up being the 'weird' one. Surprisingly I don't feel much shame for being different or as some would call it 'crazy'. It's apart of who I am, and its damn time I start embracing the REAL D'Onna...

All these people can blow me...

why i'm still single...

To anyone who knows me personally, it's pretty evident that I'm a blog-whore. Meaning that the majority of my breaks from life are taken by reading into the lives of other people through their personal blogs. I read just about any blog about any particular subject; nothing is safe from my eyes. One day during one of my many random adventures through cyberland, I found this sweet ass site/blog called 'The Fly Guy Chronicles' . In a nutshell its a love advice blog and since I've got 'sucker 4 love' practically tattooed on my forehead, it seemed like something I'd naturally gravitate towards. Boo.

On the blog, he's got this feature entitled 'Why I'm Single'. This lady wrote this long ass explanation about why she was single. It inspired me, so I'm gonna take a chance and create my own. Here goes nothin...

Why I'm Single. By D'Onna 'Sucka 4 Love' LeSean

I'm single, because I expect NOTHING but the best.
I'm single because sometimes my standards are a little to high.
I'm single because I'm also a huge cynic
I'm single because my heart and my head don't often communicate with each other, therefore sometimes my head gets in the way of something that could be wonderful for my heart.

I'm single because my father is my hero, and any man that comes anywhere near me has to measure up to him.
I'm single because I haven't found that 'head over heals/dreamy/seeing stars' type love that I read about in novels all the time. Don't gimme that shit like it doesn't exist because I know it does.

I'm single because I haven't found someone I can be myself with (my whole self)
I'm single because every time I think I've found love, something stupid happens.
I'm single because I'm still hung up on someone who doesn't love me the way I love them and I haven't yet been able to break away from this tragedy.

I'm single because everyone keeps telling me to lower my sky high standards.
I'm single because every time I meet someone I tear them apart to find a reason not to love them.
I'm single because I expect everyone else to except my flaws for what they are, but I'm not able to do that for others.

I'm single because thats the way that God would have me be at this present moment. And for some silly reason, thats quite alright with me...

Just a little something to watch. I'm also a poetry-whore...God I'm such a hoe ahahahahaha!



D'Onna