serious case of deja vu...

Here we go again.

The never ending circle of shit that is me and football player's 'relationship' never ceases to amaze, confuse, and hurt me. Over and over and OVER again. You'd think I'd be sick of this shit by now, and trust me I'm getting there, but I guess God knows exactly when we need that last kick in the ass to get us out of our haze. Well my kick in the ass came today. So thanks God...I guess.

I use to think that fighting for someone was worth it. I use to believe that being in love meant waiting for a person to get their shit together. But it doesn't...and I'm through fighting. There's no point anymore. I can WAY too much about what others think about me. I care a lot about what they say about the things I do, the people I hang with, stuff like that. My reputation that precedes is all that I have and keeping it spotless means a lot to me. But sometimes you've got to just chuck those deuces & keep it movin...

I'm not fighting for anyone but D'Onna anymore. Fuck everyone and the bullshit they come with, it's time to look out for self. Everyone and kick a shit load of rocks and choke for all I give a shit about. Why care about people who obviously don't give a shit about me, and continue to give me crap time and time again. GO 2 HELL...

Fuck it.

things that make me go...hmmm

Sometimes I think people need to learn when to shut the hell up, and back away. Period.

There are moments when I think that life is wonderful. My finances are in the right spot. My school work is doing fine. My friends aren't acting suspect. My love life, though non-existent, doesn't phase me. Everything is good. Everything is great. Everything is fantastic.

And then there are times like this, where I'd like to smack the shit out of the first person who even speaks to me...

For some reason, moments like this come more often than you'd imagine. It honestly seems like every second of every one of my precious days on this campus is spent hating someone or something...or worrying about something or someone I can't control...

And I'm sick of it...

I'd just like to wake up one morning and not wonder what low blow is gonna be dealt to me. I'd like to wake up and not be scared my landlord is going to be banging on my door kicking me out. That my friends aren't going to be talking about me behind my back. That my 'ex' isn't going to make me cry...that I'm going to be able to stay in school. Sometimes I think so negatively about things because it's like 2nd nature to me. Like it's a reflex...and that ain't healthy.

This weekend is more than likely going to blow. Someone is bound to piss me off, my plans are not going to follow through, and my heart will be broken once again. Sometimes you just gotta be realistic with yourself and know that everything isn't going to be a bed of roses...

Lord, just keep me in school. I don't care about anything or anyone else but finishing here and leaving. Please let them have mercy on me...

i decide...

So it's about time for me to start posting again regularly. Life has been more than a little hectic lately, but I guess thats to be expected when you're in college and trying hard as hell to get out. I've decided that it's time to make moves so that I can get out of this place. I thought long and hard about transferring out of here this summer and going somewhere else to start off fresh and new. That thought isn't long gone out of my head, but it's not a first priority anymore. My first priority is getting out of my undergrad situation no matter how long it takes and no matter what people think about it. I've been at Kent longer than I ever wanted to be (Ok maybe not that long, but long enough), and I think it's time for me to move away from here so that I can grow educationally, mentally, and especially emotionally.

Don't get me wrong. College has been THEEEE best years of my life. It's also been some of the hardest and most trying, but they've been great, and I don't have much to complain about. It's here that I have learned the most about myself as a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. But sometimes chapters have to come to a close whether we love them or not. And I think Kent State University has done it's part in developing me into this woman I am today. But I also think it's part in my story is over.

I'm getting anxious and a little restless waiting for graduation to come along. I've got 1 more year and then I'm out of here, never ever to return again. It's been a good run I think. I've done more in these last 4 years than I've ever done in my whole life. And as much as I complain about it on the outside, I'm SO grateful for all the struggle & strain on the inside.

So with all that being said, I'm putting everyone and everything except school on the outside of my life. People and their drama and issues I don't have time for. Operation 'Get the Hell Out of Kent with a Friggin Degree" is now in progress...

Peace

who am i kidding?

Ok so the most important thing someone can be to themselves above everything & everyone else is honest. And for some reason I've been lying to myself for much longer than I thought.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all these great friendships around me. I'm jealous of other women of have wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) men on their arms. I'm jealous of people who get better grades than I do, have more money than I do, and look better than I do. I wish it could be me...

So there, I got it off my chest, good right? WRONG! I don't want to be jealous. Thats not a good thing to be, and it's damn sure hard to admit, not only to myself, but people around me. The weirdest thing about this, is that it's not my jealousy thats killing me slowly, it's the loneliness that's triggering the jealousy. I'm pretty independent. I hate it when I have to ask for help...shit, I hate even looking like I need help. I don't need anyone but Jesus, not my parents, not my friends, and especially not any wack ass man thats going to bring me NOTHING but a headache. I do it all by myself without any complaint...

I have no idea what triggered this bizzare emotion, but all I know is that I want it gone. I have no reason to be jealous of the things or relationships other people have. Especially when I've got some great things going on in my life also. I think jealousy makes people look weak and shallow, and I don't want to come off like that. I want to be content with being alone or content with the things that I have in my life. I don't want what someone else has, because the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but never really is.

So for now I guess I'll just chill here and pray to God this crap passes. Ain't no way in HELL I'm going out looking like a jealous person. NEVER!

Muah!

musically inclined thoughts...

So since a random song can get me going, I decided to put my favorite playlist on and get a post up here. Some think I have this blog and write for the benefit of others, but no one really reads this stuff and very few know this blog even exists, but you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. This page is my release therapy. It's used for my benefit and definitely NOT the benefit of others, but if someone does come by here, I hope it inspires them to write about their life like I do every (other) day...

Ok it's official. I'm a Chris Paul groupie. Not the kind that would have sex with him if I ever got that opportunity, but I'm not gonna lie, that thought has passed through my mind many times =). No, I'm just your average basketball loving girl, who watches his stats and games like I use to watch Sex & the City. Yes, it's THAT bad. He is an AMAZING basketball player, and from what I hear, he's a pretty cool guy also. If God knows what my heart desires, meeting Chris Paul is numero uno on the list. But until that time comes, I'll just sit here and write about how amazing he is lol...

I'm addicted to the Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Why? I could NOT even tell you why. All I know is that I've been sitting in my room for the past 4 hours watching reruns between all this studying I have to do. Those women are CRAZY! I have no idea what the point of the show is, but what I do know is that it's addicting to watch train wrecks happen and trust me when I say, like 12 train wrecks happen in a half hour episode. Sick...

So Football Player is on this whole golf kick. I've been playing golf since the age of 4, and it's always been one of those things that I was really good at, but had no intention on extending that greatness beyond high school. I think it really hurt my dad when I turned down the opportunity to play in college. But I'd spent my whole life before college playing, stressing, and killing myself about a stupid game. Nevermind all the pressure I had to be 'the female Tiger Woods' and carry on a legacy that I didn't think was mine, but whatever.

Anyway this guy swears up and down that he can beat me in my sport. I don't tell him that I can truck him on a football field now do I? Thats like me going up to Chris Paul (I know, enough about him) and trying to dunk on his ass. FOOLISHNESS! I haven't picked up a golf club in a really long time other than to play those once in awhile games with my father, but still, you can't deny raw and natural talent. It's gonna be the joy of my life to whoop his ASS whenever I get that wonderful chance.

It's funny how much you miss someone when you talk to them after a long while...I miss him a lot...

Favorite song right now has got to be 'Melt My Heart to Stone' by Adele. She's amazing...

Thats all I've got 4 right now. Muah!

help me believe

Todays Playlist

Chains - Kirk Franklin
All Things Are Working - Fred Hammond
Mercy Said No - Cece Winans

"Chains, I'm a heart full of sorrow. Chains, I won't sleep well tonight because of these chains. How I long for tomorrow, because today, I have no tears left to cry. Chains, though it feels cold like winter. Chains, I will fight to remember that by Your stripes I'm healed. To your heart Lord I appeal. Please free me from these chains..." -Kirk Franklin (Chains)

Today was weird. I'm at a place right now thats very scary. Everything I've worked for, and everything I've fought for, for so long might be gone tomorrow and totally in vain. My reputation as a strong woman is in jeopardy, and I have no one to blame but myself. It's taken so long for me to be able to forgive myself and move on from the things that I've done in the past, but people keep reminding me that I'm not so perfect after all. And if it's one thing I hate in this world it's seeming or looking bad in someone else's eyes.

I know that I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but I still try really hard to be the best person I can be, and not allow my flaws to get the best of me and be exposed. I know I deserved this. I know I deserve worse, but I'm just praying and hoping that God sees past this obvious mistake and allows me to have another chance. I want to be free from these chains that are binding me and holding my progress back. I want to be able to walk with my head held high, and not low with shame and regret. I want to be free from all the judgements people throw my way, and not care if others see me in a less than bright light. I just want to be me, and not be ashamed or embarrassed anymore.

of importance...

It's so important to have people in your life that love you unconditionally.

No matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or what God makes of my life, I'm so happy to have people in my life that love me unconditionally. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't thank God for putting people in my life that love me for who I am. Without reservation or complaint, these people know the real D'Onna and don't hold anything against me for how messed up I can be. I'm so blessed.

Even though it's really really REALLY hard trying to figure out who's real and who isn't I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I don't want to take any moment, good or bad, for granted, because I know they all came from my man upstairs, so there isn't a complaint or any pain that can match the love God has for me. This life is a hard life to live and sometimes the pills I'm given are extremely hard to swallow, but I take every burden and every blessing as a lesson learned.

I'm trying to figure out and learn about myself from the inside out. The happyness and joy I have on the inside sometimes don't register on the outside, but I'm working on that. Lord knows I'd rather be messed up on the outside and be peaceful on the inside than have it the other way around. Because I've been there before. I know what its like to have the whole world look at you and think everything is alright, completely oblivious to the fact that you're crying yourself to sleep from torment and trouble. I don't want to go back there and be that person with a front up all the time because she's too afraid to be real. Now is the time to be real with myself and those around me. Some may not like it, and some might even walk out on me, but God, and the other people that love me would never walk out on me. And I'm definitely blessed because of that fact...

I have no idea what the future holds for me at this moment in time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but whatever it is, I count it ALL joy, because I'd rather live through this moments of pain now rather than later. And I'd rather suffer with all this hurt, anger and confusion NOW than live a lie later.

Pinche text me back. I was surprised to say the least, but I'm not going to make much of it. I've made a big deal about the things he does in the past and have been disappointed, so I'm just going to take this for what it's worth (nothing), and keep it in my mind and not my heart. For the past year I've been using my heart instead of my head to sort through this confusion I've felt, but now the opposite is occurring. It's time to use my head and put my heart aside. Sometimes I just wish my heart would do what my mind tells it. I wouldn't have to feel horrible pain if I did...

Casting all my cares on Jesus, cause He's the only one who really cares for me...

bipolar?

So people think I'm crazy.

And trust me underneath all this happyness and laughter I bring into the lives of others, I really am crazy. It's not the 'I'll fucking cut you, you cunt ass bitch' type crazy...it's more of the 'you need to stay the hell away from me when I'm angry or I'll kill you' type crazy. Which is like a lot of people in my opinion. I have a temper. It takes a lot to make me go over the edge, but when you do it can get very ugly rather quickly. Not my fault it's apart of who I am, so don't call it what it isn't. It's a damn anger issue...NOT bipolarism...

The truth of the matter is that I'm going through a world of issues right now. I don't have enough money for rent, and I may be out on my ass very soon, my schooling is in jeopardy because of my lack of financial resources, my parents are less than helpful when it comes to money, my friends are flaking out on me every single day, and I just recently had my heart broken. These are the things that NORMAL people my age go through while in college, and sometimes, yes, I may complain about these things to people who I consider to be 'friends' hoping they'd understand and give me a shoulder to cry on, but I guess expecting that was expecting too much...as usual.

For people to think that because I'm not giddy with glee 24 hours of the fucking day = me being bipolar is some bullshit. Especially when I sit through sob story after sob story and listen to other people and what the hell their going through all the damn time. I give out advice like their free condoms, but when I need someone to be there for me, it's always the same fucking thing...'Dee's being over dramatic....OMG I think she's bipolar...It seems like she's always going through something or complaining...She sounds like a broken recored...' And all this shit is said to my back NEVER to my front. Fuck that. Real friends say anything and everything to your face. Real friends don't judge you, and real friends listen. Real PEOPLE understand that everyone goes through something @ one point in time, and the shit doesn't make you suicidal or bipolar, it makes them HUMAN!

I am a young educated Black woman who is having serious emotional, financial and spiritual issues. I am NOT sick. I am 21! I'm entitled to my opinion on the things that are going on in MY life. Why?! BECAUSE THE SHIT IS MINE! As fucked up as I may seem or my life may seem, this is what it is, and if someone has a fucking problem with that, they can kiss by young, Black, educated ASS...

Enjoy Bitches...

forgiving & forgetting

I'm learning to forgive...myself.

There are a lot of things I've done in the past. Good & bad. There are things that I'm really proud of, and moments that I'd rather forget, but their my moments and I have to learn to deal with them all. It's just really hard to forgive myself when other people won't let me forget the mistakes I've made.

I don't like judging others because I don't enjoy being judged. I know I could try a little harder not to judge others for the things that they do and I also know that I could do a better job at forgiving and forgetting the things the things that people have done to me. But thats the human part of all of us, right? We make mistakes, shit on one another, and all have a hard time at forgiving. So why is it, that I'm having such a hard time?

I'd really like to stop beating myself up all the time. Other people do a pretty good job at that anyway, so why am I making it worse by coming down so hard on who I am? There are a million things wrong with me, but for every wrong there are a million more that seem to be going alright. Yes, I'm a horrible person. I smoke, drink, and swear entirely too much. I complain a lot. My hair and clothes are not what I'd like them to be. 99% of the time I'm broke. I lose focus quickly. I take things fore granted. I'm sometimes not the best friend, sister, daughter, or employee that I could be. But thats alright... I'm a way better person than I was even a month ago. I use to hide behind this shell of a smile and great personality, when my heart was in horrible shape. I use to depend on others and not depend on God, and I use to blame all my problems and issues on Him instead of asking for forgiveness and moving on. Thats not the case anymore. Although my relationship with Christ isn't what it should be, I'm actually working on it instead of running away. I'm grateful...really grateful, for every storm and every sunshine...for every single high and low. I love the person I am right now. I'd like to be better, but not different. It's just really an issue for me to be alright with D'Onna when there are a million people reminding me that I'm not that pretty, I'm dramatic, I'm crazy, I'm not that smart, and I'm a complete and total fuck up.

So thats my prayer. I want to be able to forgive myself and forget the issues and mistakes I've made in the past. I really want the past to be the past in my head and in my heart...