fail.

i feel super defeated today.

one emotion i've experienced rather frequently in the last couple of years is disappointment. disappointment in myself and in others who are very close to my heart. i left kent because of mistakes i'd made and wanted to run away from. i came home with a small dream of what i really wanted to do with my life, and an even smaller idea of how to get from point a to point b.

now i don't know what the fuck i'm doing.
needless to say, today is not a good day for me. and it's still early...

i know that eventually people are going to let you down. i'm sure that even subconsciously i could be called a disappointment by the people that know me best...but does that justify the emotion?

i'm not sure where i stand anymore. i feel like instead of being at a cross roads, i'm at a dead end with nowhere to turn. thats a pretty shitty place to be...pretty shitty indeed.

this book blows. no seriously, it blows...

So I was reading Jezebel a couple weeks ago and there was an article about a Ms. Jessica Cutler that caught my eye. Apparently this floozie (ahem, young woman) was an employee in some Senators office by day, and a FREAK in the sheets with everyone & their STD by night. Anyway, after getting caught blogging her skank-capades with her office computer, someone exposed her ass and put her on blast. Eventually she was fired from her job for 'improper use of Senate equipment' or something like that, and her sex life ended up on blogs everywhere. Boo.

So she did what every self respecting hoe (ahem, young lady) would do if her dirty laundry was put on blast. SHE WROTE A BOOK.

::side eye + blank stare combo::

Lets just say that this book is like Superhead's book but with fictional characters. O yea, and insert Senators and Chief of Staffs into the mix instead of Rappers.

Yck.

Young & Restless.

So I haven't written in awhile...
Incessant working and fatigue will do that to you I guess.

Anyway...

So lots has been going on, I've finally figured out my direction in life, I'm moderately happy, but I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to get from point A to B. I guess you can accurately say that I've been taking baby steps towards my dreams, but the cynic and skeptic in me is starting to believe that these 'baby steps' aren't steps at all...like I'm just standing still and something or someone's gonna come out of somewhere and blow me back on my ass. Not very positive thinking but it's the way I think. I've never been someone to apologize for that so whatev.

From now on I'm going to use this blog to post things that I love. Maybe that'll take my mind off of my mind lol.

Love,
Dee

let it shine...

I find it rather sad, but most of all insulting, that after history was made exactly 2 days ago, we as a people are still shitting on each other (to be blunt about it).

Barack Obama is an inspiration to not only me, but countless others who consider themselves to be 'average' Americans hustling to make their dreams a reality. He makes me believe that I can be anything I want to be (and I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true) regardless of what social or economic categories I may fall into. To make things a little bit clearer...he makes me what to get of my lazy ass and achieve my mutherfuggin dreams. I'm not sure anyone or anything has been able to sustain my attention span this long, but every time I think of that man, I think about finding my mountain top and living there.

Not to mention the admiration I have for his beautiful wife. She's smart, talented, and well capable of taking care of herself and her family, but she's not into being in the spotlight. Their love gives me hope, that someday in some sort of way I'll be able to find a love that can sustain any obstacle, especially one as big as running for the President of the United States. Michelle Obama is a role model to me because she isn't a finger snappin, head turnin, abrasive black female like we're forced to watch every single day via tv and internet. She's shown America that there are black women out there that have college degrees, jobs, AND a family and can balance all of that but still remain on top.

Now to the point. America has a way of taking one step forward and then leaping 3 steps back. Why are we questioning the blessing that God has given us? Why are we still upset and not ready to rally behind this man and help instead of hurt him? Why is it STILL so hard for people to understand that America made a change and elected a BLACK MAN to be our commander & chief.

Why are people trying to take this victory out of the hands that built this country 'brick by brick'?

The African American race has done so much for this country, but has gotten very little in return. This country was built on the backs of African men, women, and children who were STOLEN from their native land and brought to this place to work for nothing. Families were separated and never put back together. Spirits were broken and never mended. Our race was made to turn against each other and we haven't been properly made whole to this very day. We have suffered countless years at the hands of people who have told us from day numero uno we would never be good enough. People have died fighting for Tuesday to become a reality in the country, and for reporters, blogs, magazines, television, and radio personalities all over the world to dismiss this victory as a fluke or to even try and take the victory away from the people who rightfully deserve it, is in a word...BULLSHIT.

And now for my rant...

Let me make this as clear as day. Barack Obama is BLACK. I don't care how you try to spin it (Lord knows I'm trying hard not to swear), the fact of the matter remains that Obama is BLACK. Yes he is of mixed heritage, I get it. But let it be known that one tiny drop of African blood makes you a BLACK man. I bet all his life he's been treated like a BLACK man. I bet if he marched on Washington with Dr. King or sat beside Rosa Parks on the bus, or even tried to run for President in the '60's' he'd be treated like a BLACK man. Why? BECAUSE HIS ASS IS BLACK.

I'm done, I'm pissed, I hate this fucking country and all it's little idiocies.

Sorry I had to get all Malcolm X on dat ass...

history was made tonight.

tonight i shed some tears.
i shed tears for several reasons. reason's i'll explain below...

to start, i've watched my father for years break his back to make things happen for his family. i've watched him cry in the dark and hold his head down in shame because of the things others have said about him. tonight i saw my father cry in the open, but these were not tears of agony, but tears of joy. because tonight ladies and gentlemen history was made, the impossible was made possible, and something truly wonderful and amazing happened.

barack obama makes me feel like i can do anything. much like my father makes me feel actually. when i hear him speak, it makes me want to get off my ass and reach my dreams and do all the things that i thought were impossible for me to do.

nyc was fun. for the most part.

so i got to new york last friday hoping for some clarity and a good time.
did i ever mention that i hope for things a little too much?

anyway.

for the most part new york was everything i expected it to be and a little more. it was a big dumb ass city with lights, and it's true what they say...it never fucking sleeps. when i first got there i immediately knew that taming this city was out of the question. i knew i'd get lost more than a million times, but i had high hopes that i'd enjoy every single moment (see? i told u i hope too much).

below is a montage of all the insanity i could capture with my little digital camera. enjoy!

i'm ready for my life to begin.
i'm tired of feeling inadequate on so many levels.
i want to be happy.

when the fuck is all this shit going to finally happen.

when am i FINALLY going to be happy and know the path i want to be on. when am i going to stop being so scattered and torn about who i am and what i want. when the hell will i be content?

this is some bullshit on so many levels...

what the hell am i doing?!

i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing anymore.

no seriously. i'm completely lost!

shoot me.

it's really awkward for me to be in this place. i've never been here before, and to be perfectly honest, i wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemy. it sucks. it really really REALLY sucks

idiot.

'chatting on the phone, can't take back those hours, but i won't regret cuz u can grow flowers from where dirt use to be...' - kate nash (merry happy)

i'm a certified idiot.
idiot.
idiot.
idiot!

i called (i'm a idiot...did i mention that yet?).
i called and i don't know what the hell i was hoping for, but i didn't get much out of it but a shit load of regret. will i ever learn?

why must i keep doing this to myself? it's like i wanna feel bad or something...
alas...i do NOT want to feel bad, therefore i will stop the madness & get it all the way together. before i do permanent damage to my already slightly broken (but on the mend) heart...

idiot.