Why waste a second not loving who you are?

Freckles - Natasha Bedingfield
Make Me Over - Tonex
Still - Kirk Franklin

"I used to care so much about what others think about, I almost didn't have a thought of my own. The slightest remark would make me embark on the journey of self-doubt, but that was a while ago. This girl has got stronger - and if I knew then what I know now,
I would've told myself don't worry any longer - it's ok...Because a face without freckles is like a sky without stars. Why waste a second not loving who you are? It's those imperfections that make you beautiful, valuable, loveable, they show your personality, inside your heart...reflecting who you are..." -Natasha Bedingfield (Freckles)

I've been absent from this blog due to the overwhelming work load I've taken on with school and living my already hectic life. Plus I've had nothing to write about. Until now. Throughout the last few weeks of my life I've dealt with not only losing things I thought I'd have forever, but I've also faced a situation that I've never had to endure quite as much as I have right now...this being self doubt. I'm not the most confident person in the world. But don't get me wrong, I know my worth. I'm priceless. There are very few people I know personally in this world who can go through as much as I have and am having to endure now and still can say that they are at the top of their game. God made a true one of a kind when He made me...

BUT...I feel my confidence wavering a little. At least my confidence with the way I look on the outside. If I could portray the confidence I have in my outer looks the same way I do about my inner, I'd be good to go. But for some reason it's failing. I've thought for a long time that I've lost my mojo...and by mojo, I mean confidence in everything I do. Lately I've just, well, not been caring a lot about the way I look , the things I say..how I'm portrayed to others...To put it plainly...I stopped giving a shit a LONG time ago. But it still bothers me when people ask dumb ass questions about the way I look and my sudden lack of confidence in myself...

I get it. I'm not the prettiest girl around, I'm not even the cutest. But I'm D'Onna, and I have to live with that fact every single day. I love me. I love the imperfections I look at in the mirror, and I'm beginning to not really give a crap about being 'fresh' or 'cute' or even 'beautiful' in the eyes of people around me. Theres a part of a really cool quote that says: "People who matter, don't mind..." And the people I'm around don't necessarily care what I look like or if I'm having a rough time maintaining my 'freshness'...They love me 4 me. And that seems to be all that matters.

I use to be pressed about having beautiful friends and always being the ugly duckling around amazingly beautiful people. I'm not so stressed anymore. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still let it get to me but, I whole heartedly believe that whoever God has for me, He'll send to me. I can't worry about always being the sidekick or the 'ugly friend' as some have said. Because I know I'm not ugly (LOL). Honestly, I'd probably repel the idea of having so many admirers, because I hate attention for what I have going on on the outside.


So I guess I'm going to sit here and love every imperfection I find within and out of myself. No sense in fulfilling everyone else's desires for what they want me to look like or act like because shit like that changes everyday. For now I think I'll just be D'Onna and love who and what God made me into. I just kinda wish I didn't always have to hear about every imperfection someone finds in me...Because that shit gets old....

Content in His arms...
D'Onna LeSean

U wanna a piece of me?

Piece of Me - Britney Spears
Mirror - Mary J. Blige
Alright - Ledisi

I've been doing some thinking lately. Not that this is not normal, ya know the thinking part, but I've been doing a lot of soul searching during the time I've been on winter break. I've thought about my future here @ Kent, my family and the lack of support I seem to be getting from them, and I've also been thinking a hell of a lot about the friends I have. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely blessed to have people in my life that actually give two shits about me and who I am. I've never really had people other than my father who actually cared about D'Onna. I'm happy, I am, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of apprehensiveness ya know? It's kind of like I'm nervous, scared almost to allow myself to become too good of friends with people or let them know too much about myself for fear that they take whatever negative information they know about me and use it against me for whatever reason. I know it sounds like I'm paranoid, and let me be the first to tell you that you're probably right. I've been hurt before my family members, I've been hurt before by men, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurts more than being betrayed by a friend. Thats the worse type of hurt I think anyone can go through because friends are the ones that are suppose to be there when everyone else shits on you. I know some people are going to think I'm wrong, but in D'Onna's world, which is where I reside, I'm right...

On to a brighter subject...I think. It's official. HIP HOP IS DEAD. I'm sorry to all the MC's out there who will disagree with what I'm about to say, but I've got to say it. If I hear another damn song about doing a dance or about how much money someone has, I'll shoot myself. What ever happened to writing music ABOUT something? About love or even hate, about family and friends? What happened to the good ol' days? I've resorted to deleting all this wack music from my iPod and my iTunes library and replacing the bullshit with music of substance...

Word of the Day: 'Stuntastic' by Kanye West (LOVE his swag...)

D'Onna LeSean

Gravity

Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Grew Up a Screw Up - Ludacris

Sharing time, is caring time...so I have something to share...

"Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. And no matter what I say or do, I still feel you till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. Keep me without strain. I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand, so talk, just the way I'm suppose to be. But your onto me, and all over me..." -Sara Bareilles (Gravity)

I listen to that song about 10 times a day. No seriously I do. It speaks to everything I'm going through at this moment in time. It sucks to love someone. Plain and simple. It sucks even more when that person may not love you back, but for some reason is still on your mind and in every part of your thoughts. It bites to be reminded of the past, and not to have a desire to want to start new with someone else because you're still hung up on something that may never happen and someone who may never be yours.

I'm getting a bit personal right now, so if you're reading this, it's your lucky day. I rarely talk in depth about my inner most thoughts, those are reserved for my personal journal, but I feel like getting this off my chest something horrible.

I want to be free. I'm tired of being chained to memories and words unspoken out of fear of the unknown. I want to not care. I want to not answer my phone and shut myself away from these games I participate in and move on. Why is it that love makes us do the stupidest things? We put up with stuff we don't have to put up with, all for the sake of saying that we have someone on our arm. We sacrifice, do without, live in confusion, all for the sake of saying that we're attached to someone other than God...Weird

My feelings are getting old, this situations getting old, I'M getting old, so I think it's time for me to be through...Whatdoyathink?

Def Poetry Jam is my favorite show EVER! Check out this piece below entitled 'Yellow Rage', it gives you a new meaning to who Asian people really are. Dope...



"And if you don't know, now you know asshole...: -Yellow Rage
D'Onna LeSean

i can watch a sunset on my own

Merry Happy - Kate Nash
Believer - Christina Milian
Just a Prayer Away - Yolanda Adams

I'm terrified about this year. I know that I should be excited because it's a new year, and new things are going to come about, but I can't shake the feeling that this year is going to be one of the most challenging years of my life. Why? Why am I so apprehensive about 2008? What makes it so scary to me? I'm not sure, but I hope that I'm strong enough to make it through to see 2009...

Nothing new is going on this way. School is about to begin and I've got mixed feelings about it. Usually I'm excited for a clean start, and a new semester. It's usually filled with wonderful learning experiences, about myself and also with the new curriculum I'll be learning. I think I'm feeling weird because this semester will make or break me in my educational career. Plus, I think I'm old, so new semesters just mean that I'm that much closer to fulfilling a goal I've been working on for what seems like forever...I just kinda want to be done with it already...

I like Kent. I like my school and the people I've surrounded myself with. I'm proud of my accomplishments here, and what I've achieved, but my surroundings are beginning to get old. Nothing about Kent excites me anymore. People bring about unnecessary drama, and schoolwork is getting increasingly harder and more taxing. I need something to put the pep back into my step. Lord knows I hope I find it, and SOON.

I'm into music. WAY into music. Any and ALL music. I think that God speaks to me through music. As weird as that sounds, it's consistently proven to be true. I can always find a song or a lyric that speaks to me in any mood that I'm in, so I'm always up on new artists or new genres. Today I found this UK phenom named Kate Nash. She's pretty sweet. She reminds me a lot of Feist with an Amy Winehouse twist. If you don't know who either one of those artists are please check them out because they're freakin amazing! Anyway, Kate's song Merry Happy is THE coolest song ever. Please check out her myspace and support! www.myspace.com/katenashmusic

Remember kids..."Reach your hand up and you can play with the stars. It's not the hand you're dealt, but how you play with your cards. Boyy!" -Ludacris (Grew Up a Screw Up)

D'Onna LeSean



Check this out! It's Salt from Salt n Peppa on Def Poetry Jam...Her poem was entitled "We Follow Your Lead" It's pretty deep...Get inspired!

To all the boys I've loved before...

This poem written by Mayda De Valle has touched my heart in a way that a lot of things will never be able to. I love poetry and I wish that I could take all the images and words in my mind and put them to paper like real poets are able too..

Anyway, I've got a request to write a little more in this thing, so I guess this is the best way to start. From time to time I'll be posting poetry and lyrics that are close to my heart...Hopefully they'll become close to yours also...

To All the Boys I've Loved Before -Mayda De Valle

Part 1
we are not your mothers
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded
and half filled with promises
you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we have become much too accustomed to empty beds and damp pillows
become much too accustomed
to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down
with the bodies of men
heavy with the scent and the hands of other women
and we
simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prin
place scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddess
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning
for the little girls we loose by the minute.


Part 2
you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently
you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
the truth cannot be hidden
what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love
you should have known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
i guess shit happens
i just wish it wasn’t me
and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost
then to never have loved at all
i know that’s some easy shit to say
but I’m still going to try and live by it
i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it
i will sleep on dry pillows now
in a bed big enough to love myself in
i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry
and shining full of the knowledge
i am priceless
and worth nothing but honesty
i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest
and take the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I’m sorry to her
i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man to come along
that can give me the truth
of how much he can really love me...

You'll be hearing from me soon =)

D'Onna LeSean