Look, I like you guys. Actually I love you. You're generous with alcohol, and other unmentionables, and you never seem to mind splitting a tab or leaving a big tip. I'm friends with many of you. With that being said, over the last couple of months I have run into many 'white folk' who are starting to give you all a questionable name. I am black. I am also a bit Creole and Mexican American thanks to my mother's ethnic background resembling the United Nations. It is 2010. We have a mixed race President, racism went out twenty years before fanny packs, and I can walk into a room full of your kind and not end up hanging from a tree (yes. I went there). So why is it, white friends, that there are still so many of you that just don't get it. Why, as a predominately African American woman, am I having to deal with racial shit? Especially considering I'm perhaps the most minded mild tempered black woman any of you will ever have the opportunity to meet. What makes me the target of so many little annoyances?
Instead of mentioning all of my concerns with our relationship in one (or several) paragraphs, I have decided to list what concerns (read: ANNOYS) me about the several culturally retarded people I've had the pleasure of coming across in the past few weeks.
I know they say one bad apple shouldn't ruin a bundle, but damn.
1) Do not...and I repeat...DO NOT EVER call me anything but a Black woman.
I speak proper English. I know, don't look so surprised! It happens. I was lucky enough to be raised by a man who didn't and still doesn't tolerate ignorance, so growing up every time I even THOUGHT about speaking like I didn't have a brain cell to depend on my Dad would show up out of thin air and give me what I affectionately call: The Stare of Eternal Death. Basically white people, just because I speak in grammatically correct and complete sentences, wear clothes my size, and "don't have a weave" (that you know of), do not make the grave mistake in thinking you can call me anything other than a strong black woman. I am not Mercedes down the block with the bamboo earrings, and Air Jordans (although I have a lot of both products lol), but I will thrown down and show out in the most stereotypical way possible if anyone even THINKS about calling me: White Girl, Off White Girl, Oreo, or any other dumb ass name your pea brain can take the time to muster up.
2) No. I will not be your token black friend.
Just because you have ONE black friend...that doesn't mean you aren't racist. Sorry. If you sit with me, talk with me, and share my food with me, please please don't ever tell me you dislike black people. I know the confusion of me being a decent person and not discriminatory towards ethnic backgrounds could lead you to believe I'd be Ok, even sympathetic, towards the views you have of my race. I know this could be very troublesome, and I'm sorry for that. But just know, you telling me you dislike black people doesn't make me less of a black woman. It actually makes my inner Harriet Tubman come busting out. She will most likely have a shot gun, a bottle of moonshine, and want to brand the black national anthem to your forehead.
3) Black jokes are only funny once. And sometimes....not even once.
White People, have you ever seen the movie "Guess Who" with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher? Of course you have. Do you remember the part where good ol' Bernie eggs dumb ass Ashton on to tell several stereotypical black jokes? Could you tell that during these said jokes the wheels in Bernie & Co's heads were turning BEGGING for any excuse to murk that Anglo Saxon retard. Well, eventually he gave them a reason, even riling up the poor old Grandpa who, I'm sure, wanted to go Huey P. Newton on that ass.
The point is this: Although I'm known for being overly racial, making light (sometimes) of the color of my skin, I'm not down for IGNORANT RACE JOKES. It's alright to make light of a awkward situation, I do it all the time, but don't think it's alright to create ignorance by obviously breeding it. It's not cool, and Harriet will come out and set that ass straight.
4) I like things other than Hip Hop ya know....
I love hip hop music, but just so you know, Kanye West, Jay Z, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, Mos Def, Kid Cudi, Ja Rule, Oj Da Juiceman, Lupe Fiasco, Lil Kim, Trina, and any other hip hop personality are not at the forefront of my mind when I reach for my iPod. Of course I love debating about the state of hip hop music, and even conversing about not only the aforementioned artists, but also underground acts. Yes, I bow at the throne of Run DMC, Public Enemy, and NWA, but I also enjoy loads of other artists. Please do not get impressed with my collection of Simon & Garfunkel vinyls or my extensive knowledge of all things pertaining to Bjork because it will only piss me off. Is there some contract that says I can't love Goldfrapp if I happen to live by Nas? And furthermore, where is this asinine creation, so I can BURN IT.
5) NO YOU CANNOT TOUCH MY DAMN HAIR.
Nor will I teach you the mechanics behind hair weaving. That is not my job. Read a goddamn book or Google that shit. Do not ask me questions about why I don't wash my hair or manage my hair as you do. It's none of your damn business what I do in my spare time, nor will I be be the talking head for a entire gender of people. Forget it.
6) Barack Obama
Just because I'm a person of color does not mean I voted for Barack Obama. I did, but that's besides the point. The point is that although Barack Obama is HALF black, that doesn't make him less of a black man. Also, just because he happens to be President of the United States, does not make him nor I the advocates for an entire race of people. He is human. I am human. We triumph and make mistakes like everyone else. I am not Barack Obama's keeper, and I'm not his public relations coordinator either. Don't think for a second that it's alright for you or anyone else to bash him around me or any other person of color. It won't fly. Try it and find out why. For example:
a- If you happen to be sitting near me and exclaim that Obama resembles a monkey: I will bitch slap you.
b- If you call him a dictator, fascist, socialist, or communist: I will bitch slap you.
c- If you call his wife ghetto: I will bitch slap you.
d- If you question why his daughter wears braids in her hair and wonder when she has time to wash it: I will bitch slap you.
Don't talk shit if you have no CLUE WTF you're talking about. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter will end up getting you bitch slapped.
There. I've said it. I know that I may lose a few friends, piss of some of my uncle's wives, and start a riot, but I don't care. Some things just need to be said. And if I pissed you off I'm sorry. I know that every white person is not the same, just like blacks, Asians, Hispanics, and all the infinite amounts of races and ethnicities I'm blanking on right now. I finally feel free. Hope I haven't offended any of you, that's the last thing I want to do. I just want you to be aware of what comes out of your mouth and consider that insensitivity has a voice if you give it one. I am not sensitive, I have very thick skin, but there just comes a time when you have to let it all hang out regardless of who's feelings it may hurt. I'm tired of shutting my damn mouth and putting a minstrel smile on my face to keep some form of peace. Deal with it.
See you at the bar Saturday!