serious case of deja vu...

Here we go again.

The never ending circle of shit that is me and football player's 'relationship' never ceases to amaze, confuse, and hurt me. Over and over and OVER again. You'd think I'd be sick of this shit by now, and trust me I'm getting there, but I guess God knows exactly when we need that last kick in the ass to get us out of our haze. Well my kick in the ass came today. So thanks God...I guess.

I use to think that fighting for someone was worth it. I use to believe that being in love meant waiting for a person to get their shit together. But it doesn't...and I'm through fighting. There's no point anymore. I can WAY too much about what others think about me. I care a lot about what they say about the things I do, the people I hang with, stuff like that. My reputation that precedes is all that I have and keeping it spotless means a lot to me. But sometimes you've got to just chuck those deuces & keep it movin...

I'm not fighting for anyone but D'Onna anymore. Fuck everyone and the bullshit they come with, it's time to look out for self. Everyone and kick a shit load of rocks and choke for all I give a shit about. Why care about people who obviously don't give a shit about me, and continue to give me crap time and time again. GO 2 HELL...

Fuck it.

things that make me go...hmmm

Sometimes I think people need to learn when to shut the hell up, and back away. Period.

There are moments when I think that life is wonderful. My finances are in the right spot. My school work is doing fine. My friends aren't acting suspect. My love life, though non-existent, doesn't phase me. Everything is good. Everything is great. Everything is fantastic.

And then there are times like this, where I'd like to smack the shit out of the first person who even speaks to me...

For some reason, moments like this come more often than you'd imagine. It honestly seems like every second of every one of my precious days on this campus is spent hating someone or something...or worrying about something or someone I can't control...

And I'm sick of it...

I'd just like to wake up one morning and not wonder what low blow is gonna be dealt to me. I'd like to wake up and not be scared my landlord is going to be banging on my door kicking me out. That my friends aren't going to be talking about me behind my back. That my 'ex' isn't going to make me cry...that I'm going to be able to stay in school. Sometimes I think so negatively about things because it's like 2nd nature to me. Like it's a reflex...and that ain't healthy.

This weekend is more than likely going to blow. Someone is bound to piss me off, my plans are not going to follow through, and my heart will be broken once again. Sometimes you just gotta be realistic with yourself and know that everything isn't going to be a bed of roses...

Lord, just keep me in school. I don't care about anything or anyone else but finishing here and leaving. Please let them have mercy on me...

i decide...

So it's about time for me to start posting again regularly. Life has been more than a little hectic lately, but I guess thats to be expected when you're in college and trying hard as hell to get out. I've decided that it's time to make moves so that I can get out of this place. I thought long and hard about transferring out of here this summer and going somewhere else to start off fresh and new. That thought isn't long gone out of my head, but it's not a first priority anymore. My first priority is getting out of my undergrad situation no matter how long it takes and no matter what people think about it. I've been at Kent longer than I ever wanted to be (Ok maybe not that long, but long enough), and I think it's time for me to move away from here so that I can grow educationally, mentally, and especially emotionally.

Don't get me wrong. College has been THEEEE best years of my life. It's also been some of the hardest and most trying, but they've been great, and I don't have much to complain about. It's here that I have learned the most about myself as a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a lover. But sometimes chapters have to come to a close whether we love them or not. And I think Kent State University has done it's part in developing me into this woman I am today. But I also think it's part in my story is over.

I'm getting anxious and a little restless waiting for graduation to come along. I've got 1 more year and then I'm out of here, never ever to return again. It's been a good run I think. I've done more in these last 4 years than I've ever done in my whole life. And as much as I complain about it on the outside, I'm SO grateful for all the struggle & strain on the inside.

So with all that being said, I'm putting everyone and everything except school on the outside of my life. People and their drama and issues I don't have time for. Operation 'Get the Hell Out of Kent with a Friggin Degree" is now in progress...

Peace

who am i kidding?

Ok so the most important thing someone can be to themselves above everything & everyone else is honest. And for some reason I've been lying to myself for much longer than I thought.

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all these great friendships around me. I'm jealous of other women of have wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) men on their arms. I'm jealous of people who get better grades than I do, have more money than I do, and look better than I do. I wish it could be me...

So there, I got it off my chest, good right? WRONG! I don't want to be jealous. Thats not a good thing to be, and it's damn sure hard to admit, not only to myself, but people around me. The weirdest thing about this, is that it's not my jealousy thats killing me slowly, it's the loneliness that's triggering the jealousy. I'm pretty independent. I hate it when I have to ask for help...shit, I hate even looking like I need help. I don't need anyone but Jesus, not my parents, not my friends, and especially not any wack ass man thats going to bring me NOTHING but a headache. I do it all by myself without any complaint...

I have no idea what triggered this bizzare emotion, but all I know is that I want it gone. I have no reason to be jealous of the things or relationships other people have. Especially when I've got some great things going on in my life also. I think jealousy makes people look weak and shallow, and I don't want to come off like that. I want to be content with being alone or content with the things that I have in my life. I don't want what someone else has, because the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, but never really is.

So for now I guess I'll just chill here and pray to God this crap passes. Ain't no way in HELL I'm going out looking like a jealous person. NEVER!

Muah!

musically inclined thoughts...

So since a random song can get me going, I decided to put my favorite playlist on and get a post up here. Some think I have this blog and write for the benefit of others, but no one really reads this stuff and very few know this blog even exists, but you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. This page is my release therapy. It's used for my benefit and definitely NOT the benefit of others, but if someone does come by here, I hope it inspires them to write about their life like I do every (other) day...

Ok it's official. I'm a Chris Paul groupie. Not the kind that would have sex with him if I ever got that opportunity, but I'm not gonna lie, that thought has passed through my mind many times =). No, I'm just your average basketball loving girl, who watches his stats and games like I use to watch Sex & the City. Yes, it's THAT bad. He is an AMAZING basketball player, and from what I hear, he's a pretty cool guy also. If God knows what my heart desires, meeting Chris Paul is numero uno on the list. But until that time comes, I'll just sit here and write about how amazing he is lol...

I'm addicted to the Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. Why? I could NOT even tell you why. All I know is that I've been sitting in my room for the past 4 hours watching reruns between all this studying I have to do. Those women are CRAZY! I have no idea what the point of the show is, but what I do know is that it's addicting to watch train wrecks happen and trust me when I say, like 12 train wrecks happen in a half hour episode. Sick...

So Football Player is on this whole golf kick. I've been playing golf since the age of 4, and it's always been one of those things that I was really good at, but had no intention on extending that greatness beyond high school. I think it really hurt my dad when I turned down the opportunity to play in college. But I'd spent my whole life before college playing, stressing, and killing myself about a stupid game. Nevermind all the pressure I had to be 'the female Tiger Woods' and carry on a legacy that I didn't think was mine, but whatever.

Anyway this guy swears up and down that he can beat me in my sport. I don't tell him that I can truck him on a football field now do I? Thats like me going up to Chris Paul (I know, enough about him) and trying to dunk on his ass. FOOLISHNESS! I haven't picked up a golf club in a really long time other than to play those once in awhile games with my father, but still, you can't deny raw and natural talent. It's gonna be the joy of my life to whoop his ASS whenever I get that wonderful chance.

It's funny how much you miss someone when you talk to them after a long while...I miss him a lot...

Favorite song right now has got to be 'Melt My Heart to Stone' by Adele. She's amazing...

Thats all I've got 4 right now. Muah!