6.26.2008

gratefulness

Everywhere I look people my age or younger have children.

I can't imagine my life right now with children. What would I be able to offer them? I'm not knocking anyone or trying to be insensitive or judgmental towards young women with children, these are just my opinions on what my life would be like had I gone down that road and decided (or not) to have sex & make a baby with someone.

In a way I'm incredibly grateful to God that He's been good enough to me for that not to be an issue.

6.25.2008

mentally misconfigured...

I've always felt like a creative person.

I think in a way we all have creative tendencies, yes, some more than others, but we all have creative juices flowing through us none the less. I also think that people use the creativity given to them in different ways. Some of us use them for political purposes to run campaigns (ahem...Obama for instance), while others use them for stage, film, & fashion. I like the think of myself as a well rounded bullshitter, meaning I can talk about pretty much anything by just knowing the bare necessities of the conversation. Good for networking, but bad for putting my thumb on something I can do for the rest of my life.

My numero uno (Dad) gave me this book to read when I came back here. It's entitled 'the 5 secrets you must discover before you die'. Pretty intense huh? Actually being the nerd I am, I actually find the book quite useful. At this critical point in my life (can someone say 'fork in the road') I'm often finding myself second guessing the path that I've chosen to take. Granted helping people realize their own dreams is something that I've wanted to do practically my whole life, AND the human mind does excite and get my blood flowing, but at the same time, how am I suppose to help others achieve and realize their own dreams, when I'm not even sure what mine are anymore?

I have to admit my first love is the arts. But my biggest hang up in life is being stable. A degree in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling, and hopefully a PsyD in Clinical Psychology are the steps that are obvious to take in my life in order to achieve that financial stability. Writing & other forms of expressing myself have always been things that have been done in my down time. The stuff that makes me the happiest, the most at ease. Nothing makes me happier than reading a book, or listening to music, or writing, or taking pictures. Nothing in this world can compare to the feeling these things bring me. But I want to feel like that all the time. I want to be able to wake up & actually enjoy the things I do all day, not just be interested in them.

So I'm stuck. Should I follow my heart? Or my bank account?

Practicality sucks by the way...

6.24.2008

until i get over you...(all of you)

Woke up today thinking of you
Another night that I made my way through
So many dreams still left in my mind
But they can never come true
I press rewind and remember when
I close my eyes and I’m with you again
But in the end I can still feel the pain every time I hear your name...

Umm I tried to not let it get this far, but since I can never seem to help myself, I end up not being able to sleep from obsessing over something & someone I have no control over and cannot fix. Instead of doing the logical think (stop thinking about the shit) I overanalyze. Trust me when I tell ya that NOT overanalyzing is a lot easier said than done. I've spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS telling myself & anyone who would listen to me that 1) I'm so over him/them 2) I just don't care anymore, and 3) (this one's my favorite) I don't have time to love/think/feel 4 someone who doesn't love/think about/feel for me.

So not only am I a crazy obsessed overanalyzer, I'm also a liar.

The more & more I talk about stuff, the more & more I happen to think about it. My inactivity for the last couple of weeks has added onto the mountain of thoughts/daydreams/weirdness that began developing in my mind a long friggin time ago. You'd think I'd be done burning bridges and want to start fresh, with zero memories; part of me wants this more than anything, but the other part isn't playing fair at all.

I'd like to be able to NOT think about 'him' and how I may have contributed to our disastrous beginning/middle/DEMISE. I'd like to wake up without thinking/counting the days since he's called & then sit and count the days since he's called and actually had a conversation about anything but golf (ugh). I want to be able to go one day without thinking about who he's moved on with, and why it was so easy to move on in the first place, like I wasn't shit. It'd be nice to not have to think of the people I left back in Kent who probably won't miss me because of the shit I always got myself into. It'd be nice to not once regret the things that I've done in the past, people I've hurt, or things I should have never said or done. It would be really nice to be Ok for once.

There's a Kirk Franklin song that says: "when I die, what will they say about me? Will the work that I've done, be enough to help someone, when I die..." That got me thinkin. What will people say about me now that I'm not going back to Kent. Will they be relieved/happy/excited? Or will I have meant something to someone, somewhere. Will I have touched someone even a little, to the point that they miss me? I think it's human nature to have the desire to be loved. We all want to feel relevant and wanted in someone's eyes. We all want to feel desired...

I've got nothing more to say. I just needed to get that off my chest & outta my head. Some people probably think I'm crazy for some of the things I say and do. I grew up being the 'weird' one. Surprisingly I don't feel much shame for being different or as some would call it 'crazy'. It's apart of who I am, and its damn time I start embracing the REAL D'Onna...

All these people can blow me...

6.21.2008

why i'm still single...

To anyone who knows me personally, it's pretty evident that I'm a blog-whore. Meaning that the majority of my breaks from life are taken by reading into the lives of other people through their personal blogs. I read just about any blog about any particular subject; nothing is safe from my eyes. One day during one of my many random adventures through cyberland, I found this sweet ass site/blog called 'The Fly Guy Chronicles' . In a nutshell its a love advice blog and since I've got 'sucker 4 love' practically tattooed on my forehead, it seemed like something I'd naturally gravitate towards. Boo.

On the blog, he's got this feature entitled 'Why I'm Single'. This lady wrote this long ass explanation about why she was single. It inspired me, so I'm gonna take a chance and create my own. Here goes nothin...

Why I'm Single. By D'Onna 'Sucka 4 Love' LeSean

I'm single, because I expect NOTHING but the best.
I'm single because sometimes my standards are a little to high.
I'm single because I'm also a huge cynic
I'm single because my heart and my head don't often communicate with each other, therefore sometimes my head gets in the way of something that could be wonderful for my heart.

I'm single because my father is my hero, and any man that comes anywhere near me has to measure up to him.
I'm single because I haven't found that 'head over heals/dreamy/seeing stars' type love that I read about in novels all the time. Don't gimme that shit like it doesn't exist because I know it does.

I'm single because I haven't found someone I can be myself with (my whole self)
I'm single because every time I think I've found love, something stupid happens.
I'm single because I'm still hung up on someone who doesn't love me the way I love them and I haven't yet been able to break away from this tragedy.

I'm single because everyone keeps telling me to lower my sky high standards.
I'm single because every time I meet someone I tear them apart to find a reason not to love them.
I'm single because I expect everyone else to except my flaws for what they are, but I'm not able to do that for others.

I'm single because thats the way that God would have me be at this present moment. And for some silly reason, thats quite alright with me...

Just a little something to watch. I'm also a poetry-whore...God I'm such a hoe ahahahahaha!



D'Onna

6.20.2008

isn't it ironic...

irony has been the one constant in my seemingly exciting life.
but it hasn't been until today, that i'm able to look back and really appreciate the irony that has shown itself this summer. let me explain...

before i left for school in god awful ohio, i use to DREAM of leaving pittsburgh. i think it's rather ironic the amount of time i spent obsessing about leaving a place & its people for somewhere different, ONLY to happily come back and want to stay. there once was a time where you couldn't PAY me to even apply to Pitt. i'd laugh in your face if you even mentioned it. but as i sit here, and contemplate what i'll say in my admissions essay, it finally has dawned on me that all those years i spent running away from pittsburgh, its people & the problems i've had here, i could have spent all that time making a name for myself instead of being back at square numero uno.

that makes me think of kent, and all the wasted time i spent there also. instead of worrying about everyone, their problems & voluntarily involving myself in their drama, i could have been focusing on myself and learning who i really was instead of working so hard to hide behind this perfect facade of a person.

::sigh:: what to do now?

6.07.2008

bad habit...

"your my bad habit. trying not to love you like i do. your my bad habit, but somehow i don't wanna get rid of you..."

i'm a bit stuck right now. somewhere deep in my heart, i'd like to be rid of him. somewhere deep deep down, i wouldn't mind never seeing or speaking to him again because it causes me so much confusion, but then on the surface of my heart and soul, i know all of that is a lie.

there are parts of me that would love nothing more than to hold onto something i've never had, and probably won't ever receive, but then there are those practical non romantic parts of my psyche that won't allow my heart to do the talking anymore. i'm just not sure who to listen to...

i'd like it if everything could work itself out without my incessant involvement. i'd much rather make decisions about what i do and say to him without consciously being aware of those decisions and then dwelling or thinking about them over and over again. i'd like it if i could treat him like i treat every other guy i know. like a friend and not like someone i really like...

so i'm in maryland right now...

and for some reason, i feel like i've reverted back to being in high school. granted, i did just turn 22 years of age, and WAS feeling a tad bit on the old side; coming to maryland has really made me feel like a teen again...or maybe thats just because i'm being treated like one...

i have never been a problem child. i've never been a wild child. i have always been a good girl. i have never been questioned about my actions in college. i've never been one of those kids you needed to worry about going crazy with a little freedom. i have been and always will act a little older than my age. until now...

being here makes me feel like i'm a 16 year old sex obsessed horny ass girl, who needs extra supervision and a pad lock placed on her bedroom door. why you ask? because for some reason every time i turn around someone is making some smart ass remark about what i look like, sound like, what i've 'done' supposedly in college, how i'm acting '16ish', how i throw temper tantrums, how i 'probably' act at school, or (this is my favorite) how i 'always have an answer for something'...

now that i have a moment to sit and reflect on this (because this ain't the first time i've thought about it), i've come to the conclusion that this is all garbage and i cannot WAIT to get my first paycheck so i can get the fuck out of dodge on the weekends. i'd like to take a small moment and use this blog for it's intended use...venting. excuse me while i cuss someone out...

Look Asshole.

I am 22 goddamn years old. I have been taking care of myself for more than 4 years now. I pay MY OWN tuition, rent, car note, cable bill, phone bill, electric, and whatever else comes out of no where. I'm not spoiled hunny, I make my own money, pay my own bills and take care of my damn self. Please do not get it twisted, just because I LOOK young sure don't make me young.

I am NOT a party girl. Please don't get that fucked up either. I work damn hard for everything I have, so if I want to go out and have a good time, and spend some money on a drink then I'll do that. Why? Because I'm GROWN. And there ain't a thing in HELL that can take that fact away from me. I don't want to hear a smart ass comment every time I have a picture with a drink in my hand, or a boy in my picture. I AM NOT A SEX CRAZED FEMALE! I'm not even sexually active at this point in time! WTF?!?!

You need to realize that I'm not 16. In a mental sense I was never even given the opportunity to be 16, so back the fuck off! I'm not some irresponsible college student that has been taken care of by mommy and daddy her whole life. I've had to take care of my damn self. So please please PLEASE for your sake, keep the smart ass comments to yourself. Don't let the exterior fool you...I'm not all that I may seem...

This shit is gonna make me blow up before the summer ends. I can already feel it...

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