3.30.2008

help me believe

Todays Playlist

Chains - Kirk Franklin
All Things Are Working - Fred Hammond
Mercy Said No - Cece Winans

"Chains, I'm a heart full of sorrow. Chains, I won't sleep well tonight because of these chains. How I long for tomorrow, because today, I have no tears left to cry. Chains, though it feels cold like winter. Chains, I will fight to remember that by Your stripes I'm healed. To your heart Lord I appeal. Please free me from these chains..." -Kirk Franklin (Chains)

Today was weird. I'm at a place right now thats very scary. Everything I've worked for, and everything I've fought for, for so long might be gone tomorrow and totally in vain. My reputation as a strong woman is in jeopardy, and I have no one to blame but myself. It's taken so long for me to be able to forgive myself and move on from the things that I've done in the past, but people keep reminding me that I'm not so perfect after all. And if it's one thing I hate in this world it's seeming or looking bad in someone else's eyes.

I know that I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but I still try really hard to be the best person I can be, and not allow my flaws to get the best of me and be exposed. I know I deserved this. I know I deserve worse, but I'm just praying and hoping that God sees past this obvious mistake and allows me to have another chance. I want to be free from these chains that are binding me and holding my progress back. I want to be able to walk with my head held high, and not low with shame and regret. I want to be free from all the judgements people throw my way, and not care if others see me in a less than bright light. I just want to be me, and not be ashamed or embarrassed anymore.

3.29.2008

of importance...

It's so important to have people in your life that love you unconditionally.

No matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or what God makes of my life, I'm so happy to have people in my life that love me unconditionally. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't thank God for putting people in my life that love me for who I am. Without reservation or complaint, these people know the real D'Onna and don't hold anything against me for how messed up I can be. I'm so blessed.

Even though it's really really REALLY hard trying to figure out who's real and who isn't I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. I don't want to take any moment, good or bad, for granted, because I know they all came from my man upstairs, so there isn't a complaint or any pain that can match the love God has for me. This life is a hard life to live and sometimes the pills I'm given are extremely hard to swallow, but I take every burden and every blessing as a lesson learned.

I'm trying to figure out and learn about myself from the inside out. The happyness and joy I have on the inside sometimes don't register on the outside, but I'm working on that. Lord knows I'd rather be messed up on the outside and be peaceful on the inside than have it the other way around. Because I've been there before. I know what its like to have the whole world look at you and think everything is alright, completely oblivious to the fact that you're crying yourself to sleep from torment and trouble. I don't want to go back there and be that person with a front up all the time because she's too afraid to be real. Now is the time to be real with myself and those around me. Some may not like it, and some might even walk out on me, but God, and the other people that love me would never walk out on me. And I'm definitely blessed because of that fact...

I have no idea what the future holds for me at this moment in time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but whatever it is, I count it ALL joy, because I'd rather live through this moments of pain now rather than later. And I'd rather suffer with all this hurt, anger and confusion NOW than live a lie later.

Pinche text me back. I was surprised to say the least, but I'm not going to make much of it. I've made a big deal about the things he does in the past and have been disappointed, so I'm just going to take this for what it's worth (nothing), and keep it in my mind and not my heart. For the past year I've been using my heart instead of my head to sort through this confusion I've felt, but now the opposite is occurring. It's time to use my head and put my heart aside. Sometimes I just wish my heart would do what my mind tells it. I wouldn't have to feel horrible pain if I did...

Casting all my cares on Jesus, cause He's the only one who really cares for me...

3.27.2008

bipolar?

So people think I'm crazy.

And trust me underneath all this happyness and laughter I bring into the lives of others, I really am crazy. It's not the 'I'll fucking cut you, you cunt ass bitch' type crazy...it's more of the 'you need to stay the hell away from me when I'm angry or I'll kill you' type crazy. Which is like a lot of people in my opinion. I have a temper. It takes a lot to make me go over the edge, but when you do it can get very ugly rather quickly. Not my fault it's apart of who I am, so don't call it what it isn't. It's a damn anger issue...NOT bipolarism...

The truth of the matter is that I'm going through a world of issues right now. I don't have enough money for rent, and I may be out on my ass very soon, my schooling is in jeopardy because of my lack of financial resources, my parents are less than helpful when it comes to money, my friends are flaking out on me every single day, and I just recently had my heart broken. These are the things that NORMAL people my age go through while in college, and sometimes, yes, I may complain about these things to people who I consider to be 'friends' hoping they'd understand and give me a shoulder to cry on, but I guess expecting that was expecting too much...as usual.

For people to think that because I'm not giddy with glee 24 hours of the fucking day = me being bipolar is some bullshit. Especially when I sit through sob story after sob story and listen to other people and what the hell their going through all the damn time. I give out advice like their free condoms, but when I need someone to be there for me, it's always the same fucking thing...'Dee's being over dramatic....OMG I think she's bipolar...It seems like she's always going through something or complaining...She sounds like a broken recored...' And all this shit is said to my back NEVER to my front. Fuck that. Real friends say anything and everything to your face. Real friends don't judge you, and real friends listen. Real PEOPLE understand that everyone goes through something @ one point in time, and the shit doesn't make you suicidal or bipolar, it makes them HUMAN!

I am a young educated Black woman who is having serious emotional, financial and spiritual issues. I am NOT sick. I am 21! I'm entitled to my opinion on the things that are going on in MY life. Why?! BECAUSE THE SHIT IS MINE! As fucked up as I may seem or my life may seem, this is what it is, and if someone has a fucking problem with that, they can kiss by young, Black, educated ASS...

Enjoy Bitches...

3.25.2008

forgiving & forgetting

I'm learning to forgive...myself.

There are a lot of things I've done in the past. Good & bad. There are things that I'm really proud of, and moments that I'd rather forget, but their my moments and I have to learn to deal with them all. It's just really hard to forgive myself when other people won't let me forget the mistakes I've made.

I don't like judging others because I don't enjoy being judged. I know I could try a little harder not to judge others for the things that they do and I also know that I could do a better job at forgiving and forgetting the things the things that people have done to me. But thats the human part of all of us, right? We make mistakes, shit on one another, and all have a hard time at forgiving. So why is it, that I'm having such a hard time?

I'd really like to stop beating myself up all the time. Other people do a pretty good job at that anyway, so why am I making it worse by coming down so hard on who I am? There are a million things wrong with me, but for every wrong there are a million more that seem to be going alright. Yes, I'm a horrible person. I smoke, drink, and swear entirely too much. I complain a lot. My hair and clothes are not what I'd like them to be. 99% of the time I'm broke. I lose focus quickly. I take things fore granted. I'm sometimes not the best friend, sister, daughter, or employee that I could be. But thats alright... I'm a way better person than I was even a month ago. I use to hide behind this shell of a smile and great personality, when my heart was in horrible shape. I use to depend on others and not depend on God, and I use to blame all my problems and issues on Him instead of asking for forgiveness and moving on. Thats not the case anymore. Although my relationship with Christ isn't what it should be, I'm actually working on it instead of running away. I'm grateful...really grateful, for every storm and every sunshine...for every single high and low. I love the person I am right now. I'd like to be better, but not different. It's just really an issue for me to be alright with D'Onna when there are a million people reminding me that I'm not that pretty, I'm dramatic, I'm crazy, I'm not that smart, and I'm a complete and total fuck up.

So thats my prayer. I want to be able to forgive myself and forget the issues and mistakes I've made in the past. I really want the past to be the past in my head and in my heart...

3.23.2008

lesson learned

So it seems as though I've been replaced.

I'm being replaced a lot these days. By friends, former lovers who call themselves my 'friends', family...mostly just by people who are suppose to love me unconditionally. Let me be the first to tell you, being replaced isn't fun. It's actually kind of brutal. But one thing is for sure, I seem to be taking it a lot better than I would have a year, month, or even a week ago. It's all in a days work I guess...

It's so funny the love and respect I pass out without anyone giving it back to me. I put everyone first in my life, but I don't seem to get that same treatment back. With my friends, it seems like I'm only good until...well something better comes along. This could be a new boyfriend or girlfriend...or just a new friend in general. Makes me kinda feel like milk...only good until I turn sour. And then with men, it's just that I'm only worth something until the find out they can't get it, hit it, and then quit it...or just until something better comes along...again. Stuff like this can be taxing on a girls heart, but I've grown some thick skin and big balls, and I'm determined not to let this stuff get to me.

Basically, I'd just really like it if people would place me at the top of the list instead of placing me behind other things and people. I kinda wish I got the same love that I give on a daily basis. I just kinda wish God would place people in my life that are going to last and not throw me for a loop every time I turn around. Because in all honesty...that shit gets really old.

Just putting it out there...
D'Onna LeSean

3.03.2008

the cooLest...


Pro Nails - Kid Sister
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Didn't I Tell You - Keyshia Cole

It's quite possible that I'm the coolest person you'll ever meet.
Yea I think thats a pretty sweet evaluation of myself. You see I'm done not recognizing my worth. There's a million and one things that I could correct in my life, it's true, but when you boil all that down and leave all the baggage at the door, what you see is what you get...and what you get is a pretty sweet ass chick with a million things wrong with her, but a BAZILLION things going right for her =).

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but there's just something in me today that wants to make it known how cool I really am. I've got a beautiful future ahead of me. I got my own shit. I pay my own bills. I'm nice to everyone because you never know who's gonna need a smile, and I love God more than anyone else. I love my Dad and my siblings. I recognize when I'm wrong and try to fix it. I love LIFE...There is nothing in this world I can't do...So why do people try to take that shine from me?

I'll never know, but for this time being I'm going to live my life like it's platinum because thats the only thing I can do. I don't like struggle and suffering, but I know that God causes those things to happen to us to make us stronger. You can't make a flower grow without a little rain, so I'm going to welcome the rain as a sign that God is growing me up, making me stronger, and weeding out all those flaws that are not like Him...

I love D'Onna LeSean more than anyone out here can. I'm so sweet it kills me lol. And I'm worth FAR more than the shit thats tossed my way. I'm worth more than the hurt and pain. I'm worth more than the circles I jump through sometimes...But I'll take those lemons and make lemonade, because each day the Lord grants me to be here is a gift, and another chance to get this stuff right. Thank You Jesus!

Loving me all day 365 days of the friggin year because I'm sweet as hell!
D'Onna LeSean

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